HANG out the bunting. Scottish football is rampant again. Until the next crisis in, oh, about 56 minutes. But for the time being, Celtic and Rangers are basking in the glow of qualification for the Europa League. The Hoops overcame Suduva, a team that sounds a bit like an ointment you’d smear on some mild chafing. The Gers, on the other hand, held on grimly against Ufa, which resembles something Archie Macpherson would gasp during a fraught goalmouth scramble.

One of the diarist’s colleagues tuned in to the Rangers match on the online stream which seemed to be running about a full calendar month behind the actual live action. Indeed, it was so far behind real time, Scot Symon was barking fevered instructions from the Rangers technical area. My colleague is still perched at his desk as we speak as a tense encounter spools towards the 78th minute. It should be done by the time the big Glasgow derby kicks off the morra. And what a game that could be eh?

Brendan Rodgers looks so hattered these days even his tooth enamel has dropped three notches on the glossometer. With Moussa Dembele’s cryptic Tweets and the Dedryck Boyata saga rumbling on like one of Fred Dibnah’s steam rollers, old Bren has not had his troubles to seek. The diarist thought of Rodgers when I noticed an article this week on former Chelsea player turned TV presenter, Jakob Kjeldberg, who hosts the Danish version of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. As far as Boyata is concerned, it could be I’m A Calamity Get Me Out Of Here …

FLOGGING a dead horse? The future of Towcester racecourse is in doubt after it slithered into administration recently. The course’s owner, the colourful Lord Hesketh, famously helped James Hunt become a Grand Prix star in the 70s with his champagne-soaked, off-the-cuff approach to Formula One as a maverick privateer. “We know f*** all about how to set a car up, so why don’t we just leave it the way it is,” said Hesketh before the 1975 Dutch Grand Prix. Hunt won it. Ignorance is bliss eh?

STAYING with motor racing, the 20th anniversary of the Goodwood Revival next week will feature in excess of half a billion pounds worth of classic machinery careering about. One particular race, featuring 30 pre-1963 GT cars, will boast a combined value of £200 million on the grid. It’s just like the underground carpark at The Herald’s Renfield Street office to be honest.

IT’S what the television industry knows as pee-per-view The gents toilets in the TV compound at this week’s Travis Perkins Masters on the European Senior Tour appear to be as basic as the process of taking relief itself. A row of pots stuck on a fence? It’s not for the faint hearted. As Ronnie Corbett may have observed: “I’ve not been quite so nervous since I stood next to Shakin’ Stevens in the BBC urinals.”

PLAY your cards right. Indonesian businessman Michael Bambang Hartono may be one of the world’s richest men with a fortune worth around $11.7 billion but the 78-year-old is not one for kicking back in the day centre and dozing in front of the telly. Hartono and his compatriots won a bronze medal in the Asian Games this week during the supermixed team event in bridge. It’s the first time the card game has been included in the Games. “If you want to be a good leader and a successful man, play bridge,” Hartono declared. Here at The Herald, we’re still trying to get the sports editor to understand the complexities of snap ...

THE stifling heat at the US Open tennis in New York has left all and sundry gasping and panting like a Bloodhound looking in a butcher’s shop window. Not everybody is sweating cobs, it seems. The cool and collected Caroline Wozniacki had no issues with the soaring temperatures as she beat Samantha Stosur 6-3, 6-2. “I was just thinking I’m on the beach having a margarita,” she said of a relaxed approach which led to her mind drifting to cocktails on the sand. Funnily enough, the diarist tried a similar approach in a match at the Titwood Tennis Club and got humped 6-0, 6-0. It must have been something to do with the Sex On The Beach ...