ALLY McCoist summed up perfectly the reason those who kick a ball for a living often find themselves in awkward situations of their own making that lead to trouble, the doghouse and the front page of a newspaper.
“That hardest thing for a footballer to say is ‘no’,” was McCoist’s take on why so many, himself included, get into so much bother off the park. He added: “Frank McAvennie probably said no twice in his life.”
Temptation is everywhere. All the time. While most of the world is ignored by even those close to us, footballers are the centre of attention no matter where they go. Women, drugs, drink, and get-rich money-making business deals, are misadventures offered up all the time.
This week, Kyle Lafferty and Ian Durrant landed themselves in trouble, for very different reasons, which shows that footballers, even past ones, never learn.
It tends to be repeated mistakes, too: sexting a young woman, as Lafferty did, or making bigoted remarks about organised religion, as Durrant did – the pattern remains the same.
Clearly, whether a club’s social media policy has been flagrantly ignored or whether a former pro has walked into a blizzard of criticism because of something he shouldn’t have said, male footballers need reminding – again and again – about the Orwellian nightmare that presents itself on a daily basis. With that in mind, here’s a simple ready reckoner for what not to do if you’re a footballer, past or present . . .
NEVER SEND A PICTURE OF YOUR PRIVATE PARTS
Honestly, women don’t like it and a bunch of flowers tends to be much more effective (assuming you’re single, of course).
Players bore easily but surely it’s better to read a book than take a good hour of posing to get your naked body to look presentable.
The girl won’t delete the pictures and
these snaps tend to get into the hands of a newspaper.
TRY TO STEER CLEAR OF GETTING A SELFIE WITH A FORMER H -BLOCK INMATE
This has proved a hard one for some. Okay, your average Frenchman doesn’t know Bobby Sands from Michael Stone but Scots and Irish lads do and yet are forever being caught on camera with terrorists.
KEEP AWAY FROM POLITICAL AND RELIGIOUS UTTERANCES
Simply put, don’t mention the Pope. Ever. Don’t get up on stage and sing Irish folk songs with political undercurrents. Try a bit of Elvis, instead.
YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE FILM INDUSTRY
If a stranger asks you to invest in a movie, run away and don’t look behind you.
MAKE SURE YOUR HOBBIES ARE SAFE
This is especially true for those who get involved in trying to find sunken treasure. Take up trainspotting. Interpol are less likely to get involved.
BETTING ON FOOTBALL IS WRONG
There is no grey area. The rules are pretty simple. It is illegal for professionals to bet on the game and yet so many do. Betting against your own team is especially rotten.
THE POLICE ARE THERE TO PROTECT YOU, THEY ARE NOT YOUR ENEMY
If at all possible, try not to be found guilty of assaulting an officer of the law. Do it twice and you’re asking for big trouble. Three times and you will be on a last warning. Apparently.
AWARD DINNERS ARE ONLY FUN IF YOU DON’T OVERDO IT
If you are fortunate enough to be attending the Scottish PFA Player of the Year award, don’t get so intoxicated that you end up in jail.
EAT WELL – YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL
If you find yourself slumped against a wall after a night on the After Shock, stay away from kebabs. Who knows what goes into
them. Try to find a juice bar. Even if it is three in the morning.
AND FINALLY…
Never ever leave Morton for Falkirk.
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