WHERE do you stand on sumo wrestling? Perhaps you are au fait with the ancient rituals, the historic symbolism, the feudalistic moral code and the elaborate ceremony of this noble old discipline? Either that, or you just think it’s two overweight blokes in nappies performing what essentially looks like an awkward, stumbling fiasco you would see in a pub doorway.
The pre-amble to a bout has always struck a familiar chord with the diarist, of course. Stretching, slapping thighs, stomping, adjusting belts, tossing purifying salt into the ring? It’s just like the queue in The Herald staff canteen when the lorne sausage is on the griddle. Not quite martial art, more martial law.
There is something of a hoopla in the world of sumo, though, with robust new rules and regulations being introduced on grooming and appearance. Officials have declared that “indecent” beards, along with long nails and tattoos, are no longer allowed. Funnily enough, some of the more effervescent Glasgow wine bars tried enforcing a similar ban on its clientele but swiftly found their ladies nights were dying a death. The message is clear from the wresting high heid yins.
“The sumo ring is sacred and it’s important spectators don’t see anything unsightly,” Japan Sumo Association elder Oguruma said with sombre reverence. So, forget wibbling, pendulous man-breasts and shuddering flab hanging down like a punctured dinghy, a glimpse of some unkempt facial fuzz is clearly an affront to human dignity.
The new laws are part of a wider push to clean up sumo. The pursuit has been rocked by claims of fixed bouts, tax evasion, drugs and underworld connections. “The wrestler must exude class,” said a spokesperson. “They are not Brendan Rodgers.” Apparently, the pious lot in the Green Brigade are already working on a banner for their sumo-supporting brethren. “You traded obesity for immorality ....” Or something like that.
*SO, it’s bye bye Brendan. The tanning salons and cosmetic dentistry clinics of Glasgow will feel the pinch now. The erstwhile Celtic boss has never been short of a word for the press during his rise to managerial prominence. “I use a quote with the players,” he once said. “Per aspera ad astra’, which is Latin for ‘through adversity to the stars’.” Of course, poor old Scott Brown thought it was an Italian restaurant in Finnieston ...
*CEOS may as well have a PDF of a press release clipped to their voice box. Here’s global rugby chief Brett Gosper casually discussing the proposed world league. “It is still an evolving concept that continues to be shaped by multiple and complex stakeholder discussion. Objective is to propose a more compelling and sustainable global international game.” Zzzz ... sorry I dozed off.
*IT’S not until June but the verbal volleys and trash talk between heavyweight boxing bruisers Jarrell Miller and Anthony Joshua is well underway. In a wide-ranging character assassination, fired-up Miller called Joshua a “fraud”, a “p***k” and a “giant p***y”. If you pressed your ear against the door of the Celtic boardroom the other day, you probably could have heard the same words being spouted about Mr Rodgers.
*WE APP The People? This weekend, an English non-league club could have new owners who would run the club via a mobile phone app. Shares in the Midlands outfit, which can’t be named due to a non-disclosure agreement, have been up for grabs at £49 each and some 2,500 supporters have snapped them up. The group will decide on everything that goes on at the club, from signings to hiring and firing staff, and it will all be done with a scroll, a swipe and a tap on the smartphone screen. The diarist looks forward to the first “sack the board” protest and subsequent power struggle. To paraphrase the immortal phrase of Brian Dempsey: “The battle is over … the emojis have won.”
*TALKING balls. Do you know the difference between a knuckle ball free-kick and a top spin free-kick? No? Well you need to speak to Bartek Sylwestrzak, the world’s only ball striking coach. Polish-born Sylwestrzak, who graduated from Loughborough University in Sport and Exercise Science, offers his services as a consultant to football clubs around the world. He worked with Brentford for a spell and is now passing on his pearls of wisdom to Danish club, FC Midtjylland. “It’s actually incredible that so many players make the same technical mistakes throughout their career with how they strike the ball,” he said. He’s clearly been watching a lot of Scottish fitba. Apparently, the knuckle-ball approach can often be seen at Ibrox. Or is it the knuckle draggers in the stand?
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