Metal man mangled
IT’S the greatest music competition in the world.
Or at least the greatest music competition in the world with the words "Eurovision Song Contest" in its title.
The Diary will be keenly following events this evening in Malmo, Sweden, where the current crop of warbling wonders are performing.
We haven’t been this excited since our 98-year-old copy boy, Junior, bagged first prize in the Diary’s annual karaoke competition, with his stirring heavy metal rendition of How Much is That Doggie in the Window.
Unfortunately Junior wasn’t able to enjoy his triumph for long. He was brought low by a severe allergic reaction to the skin-tight purple leather trousers he was wearing, then moments later broke an ankle toppling over his nine-inch platform heels.
Yet he miraculously returned to work the very next morning.
It only took one comforting text message from the Diary Editor, threatening the immediate termination of his contract, to get him hobbling out of his hospital bed.
The Diary likes to think it is very much like the Eurovision Song Contest - high on energy and low on gravitas - as you’ll discover while reading the following classic tales from our archives…
Cutting comment
A TRUE tale of our capital city.
Edinburgh comedian Ben Verth was once in a cheesemongers in Stockbridge when a posh elderly lady expressed dissatisfaction with the young assistant slicing her cheese and came out with the memorable line: “Look, are you new? Because I’ve never seen anyone so cavalier with cheddar.”
Portly politico
ANOTHER story from a funny fella.
Actor and comedian Des McLean once lost 10 pounds in order to appear as maverick politician Tommy Sheridan in Ian Pattison’s black comedy I, Tommy at Glasgow’s King’s Theatre.
To achieve that, the once chubby-cheeked impersonator hired a personal trainer who dragged him through the pain barrier, exercising every day.
“There were times,” sighed Des, “when I wished it was Alex Salmond I was playing. To get the right look I’d just go on the kebabs all week.”
The army game
AN older reader recalled having to report for his National Service stint.
First he had to undertake a medical, where the doctor asked: “Can you read the letters on the chart?”
“What letters?” replied our reader, hoping for a way out.
“Well,” replied the doctor, “you’ve passed the hearing test.”
Medical mystery
A DOCTOR from Helensburgh told us he was chatting to a research student who said she was studying postmen and postwomen to determine their state of health.
“Why select just members of the postal service?” inquired our medical chap, and received a blank look.
Turned out she had said “postmenopausal women”.
Running gag
“MY wife once asked if I could clear the kitchen table,” a reader told us. “I had to get a running start but I made it.”
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