THE Scottish Government has issued a discussion document on "Changes to the Identification of Equidae". It's a rather obscure way of saying that foals and unregistered horses will be microchipped. Equidaes are, of course, hoofed mammals and include horses, donkeys, ponies and zebras, although not many of the latter are actually bred in Scotland.

Perusing the Scottish Government press release on the subject, Radio Scotland's Newsdrive presenter, Bill Whiteford, was heard to ask colleagues why the authorities felt the need to microchip zebras, when all they had to do was read their bar codes.

Cheap date AS St Valentine's Day approaches we record another romantic Scot. A Diary reader overhears a young woman on the bus yesterday morning tell her pal that on her first date with a chap she had fancied for ages, he asked what she wanted to drink, and she, emotionally charged on such an occasion, suggested champagne.

He came back with a bottle of the house white and a bottle of fizzy water to mix together.

What a dummy IT will be 40 years this year since oil was discovered in the North Sea, so time surely for some of those early oil platform bears to tell us their favourite stories.

Gordon Bickerton tells us about a rescue practice on a platform where a dummy was thrown overboard for the standby boat to practise a rescue. Unfortunately, a colleague came on deck not realising it was a practice, and seeing the dummy whistle past him from the helideck above, ran for the nearest life belt and threw it in. The belt was attached to a wire, though, and ended up dangling uselessly 10 feet above the now drowning dummy.

As everyone around him collapsed in laughter, the would-be rescuer angrily shouted: "You heartless b******s. There's a man in the water!" thus ensuring further laughter from all around him.

Too faced THE toper in the bar the other night was cautioning a friend about getting in too deep with a third party. "Watch yourself there," he declared. "That one's a right Laurel and Hyde character."

As the assembled friends looked surprised at the thought of this chap sharing characteristics with the two bowler-hatted silent movie stars (below), the penny finally dropped and the chap added: "Ah meant Jekyll and Hyde."

Snowed in Professor Pete Smith was due to give a lecture at Aberdeen University last night on global warming, and what immediate action the government had to take to combat climate change.

And yes, it was cancelled because of the snow.

Loose women WE overhear the women in the wine bar discussing a mutual friend, with one of them declaring: "She's not as promiscuous as you make out. She told me she could count on one hand all the men she had slept with."

"Was she holding a calculator at the time?" asked the more world-weary of the party.

Time to quit DO we believe the chap who told us he was going to his first Gamblers Anonymous meeting, and was surprised that it was timed to start at 10 to one?

Feeling the love THE Citizens' Community Company at Glasgow's Citizens' theatre will be presenting My Clydeside Valentine next week with stories and songs inspired by St Valentines's Day. It was a challenge for the backstage staff who had to source 40 tartan scarves, Bay City Roller LPs and a vibrator.

Undetered by any blushes, one enterprising member of staff managed to buy a vibrator in the Gorbals for only £1.50. "It's no' even second hand!" she announced proudly on her return, which was no doubt a comfort to the actors.