And now, total recoil

Dir: Len Wiseman

With: Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel

Running time: 118 minutes

DO not let the title fool you. Len Wiseman's remake of the Arnold Schwarzenegger science fiction thriller is a film that goes in one ear and out the other at the speed of light. After just under two hours, you'll leave the cinema knowing something happened in there but you can't quite remember, bar the crashing, banging, walloping and light show, what it was.

More exasperating than the pointlessness is that that all concerned seem to have missed the point of the original. Paul Verhoeven's 1990 film, based on a Philip K Dick short story, was a hunk of nonsense with a heavy dusting of humour. In Wiseman's remake, the funny bone has been surgically removed and replaced with Noughties seriousness.

The new mood is signalled by a preamble introducing the grisly new world of the future. It is the end of the 21st century and Earth is all but trashed. There are only two places left to live, the United Federation of Britain, the nice-ish part, and the Colony, a horribly overcrowded urban sprawl where it is always raining. Rebellion simmers in the Colony, with its inhabitants blamed for the frequent "terrorist" outrages which happen in the Federation.

Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell taking the place of Arnie in the original) lives in the Colony with his wife (Kate Beckinsale). Though a foot shorter than Arnie and two foot narrower, Farrell has clearly got into the bodybuilding spirit of the part. Clive James once likened Arnie to a condom full of walnuts. Farrell is more like one of those dinky, see-through airport bags filled with differently shaped toiletries. In short, he's built for efficiency rather than the next Mr Universe contest.

Quaid is a factory worker by day and a fretter by night. Our hero is not entirely happy with his life, he'd like to play the piano for a start, but he is not sure what to do about this gnawing ennui. Then he sees an advert for Rekall, a new mind- altering service that gives a person fantastic memories of experiences, being a spy, going to Mars, etc, without all the faff of having to go through them in the first place. Quaid decides to take the mental leap.

In trying to adopt a new, temporary identity of a secret agent, Quaid finds that he has in fact been to strange new lands before. So begins a twisty tale of double identities, rebellion and revolution, and lots and lots of action sequences.

In keeping with the generally bonkers air of the original, Verhoeven's picture rarely bothered with anything so dreary as explanations for what was going on, preferring to get on with the fun stuff. Wiseman's picture feels the need to explain the inexplicable, at length. While this has the effect of slowing the film to a crawl, this is nothing compared to the drag exerted by the action sequences, which go on, and on, and on, with ever diminishing returns. Hard to believe how so much effort can be expended on screen to so little effect.

In large part, this is down to the failure to develop any of the characters to the point where we care what happens to them. Wiseman is in too much of a rush at the start to show off his dystopian cityscapes and get on with the action. The result: the humans have all the emotional pull of the robots which police this world. The robots, in turn, look like they are fresh out of Star Wars or I, Robot. Ditto the cityscapes recall Blade Runner, and the fights and rain bring to mind The Matrix. All science fiction tastes are catered for, but if you are looking for a character driven story, try the original.

Verhoeven won the casting Lottery with Arnie and the woman who played his wife, a young actress by the name of Sharon Stone. Both took to their parts with glee, as opposed to the wall-to-wall glumness that hangs over Wiseman's remake.

Farrell barely cracks a smile or makes a joke, even when confronted with one of the more outrageous visual gags resurrected from the original. The only time he looks vaguely tickled is when it turns out that he can indeed play the piano. While one is pleased for the lad, it's hardly side-splitting stuff.

Farrell looks pained throughout, as though his charisma is just waiting to burst forth, like biceps through a too-tight T-shirt. Instead of giving his relationship with the freedom-fighting Melina (Jessica Biel) time to catch fire, vast swathes of screen time are given over to the tedious action sequences and the ferocious pouting and striding of Ms Beckinsale.

Wiseman has a few cool gizmos to show off, but while his futuristic world is glitzier and more rounded than Verhoeven's, his film lacks heart and humour. Come back Arnie and Sharon, (almost) all is forgiven.