'They thought walnuts was weird but I was tryna be quirky!' It's clear Celebrity Masterchef can't match the Bake-Off for banter, japes and innuendo between its contestants.

One of them even declared herself 'over the moon! Can't believe it!' You'd never get such platitudes from the raw, eccentric, charmingly nippy amateurs on the Bake-Off.

Celebrity guests will be appearing on shows like Masterchef for charity, to raise their profile, or maybe to claw in the fee given that other sources of work have dried up. What's certain is that they won't be doing it for the love of fine cooking, or because they're a chatty, warm natural in front of the camera. So if they're not on this cookery show for the sake of food, or their presenting skills, why are we watching them?

It must be for the pulling-power of their dazzling celebrity but, no, that can't be it either, because the shoddy line-up includes a woman from Holby (or maybe it's Casualty), a woman who used to be in Emmerdale, and one who used to be in a pop group - or maybe still is. And Chesney Hawkes was there for some reason. Maybe he's re-releasing his one and only single and this is part of his publicity racket.

For the sake of clarity, the quasi-celebs were Sarah Harding, Yvette Fielding, Patricia Potter, Sheree Murphy and Chesney Hawkes, and they must have been painfully aware of their lack of fame, and lack of culinary skill, because they immediately began getting flustered, giggling and boasting of their ignorance. They were each given a plate of ingredients (nothing fancy, mainly just pork and butternut squash) and asked to whip something up. 'Is that pork?' one of them squeaked upon being presented with some pork.

So the poor bumblers weren't instructed in what their ingredients actually were but, mercifully, the audience at home were instructed in the identities of the contestants, with each glimpse of them being presaged with things like, 'Girls Aloud pop diva, Sarah….' Or 'Holby City's Tish….'

After 'plating up' their watery concoctions, they were all slipped into white jackets and placed in posh London restaurants for a day. Each celeb was given a dish from the menu and asked to perfect after a whirlwind demonstration from the chef. One of the courses was 'Pig on Toast' and 'Girls Aloud pop diva, Sarah…..' tried to make it but wailed, 'I'm scared about the dollop bits!'

The final round asked them each to create a dish of their own, and the offerings were as dazzling as their own celebrity, with Sheree Murphy making fried sea bass and salad without a glimmer of shame.

There's just no point to this programme. Ordinary MasterChef is brilliant, and gives us good food and plucky, talented amateurs then, at the other end of the TV cooking scale, we get glamorous celebrity chefs serving great food plus a big name. But this, with its vaguely recognisable contestants and their tepid food, is just slumped somewhere in the middle, doing nothing.

It's like watching a football game when you don't care who wins, and where the half-time pies and Bovril are more watery and whiffy than usual.