The Scots tongue and temperament lend themselves to humour. Here to demonstrate this is a shortlisted poem by Les Wood from the annual McCash Scots Poetry Competition. The poem is in The Smeddum Test: 21st-Century Poems in Scots (Kennedy and Boyd, 2013 ).

LOCAL GRAVITATIONAL FLUCTUATIONS

It’s a wunner that’s challenged the greatest

Minds ae modern physics:

Is Gravity a constant thing throughoot

The hale Universe,

Or diz it chinge fae place tae place?

Well, Ah’ve goat the answer.

If they jist come roon tae ma hoose

Between hauf six and seiven

Every moarnin,

Upstairs, doon the loaby,

Second door oan the left,

They’ll see me struggling wi superhuman effort

Aginst the strongest gravitational effect in existence,

Ah jist canny get ma heid

Affa that pilla.

And a reminder about our Scots poetry competition:                      

The 2018 McCash Competition, Scotland’s leading national competition for poetry in Scots, offers a first prize of £1,000, a second prize of £750, and five highly commended prizes of £250. There is no fee for entry.

The theme chosen by the organisers for 2018 is “Destinations”.

All forms of Lowland Scots are welcome. Up to three poems, no more than 30 lines long, may be submitted. They must be original and hitherto unpublished.

They should be printed on A4 paper, with name and contact details on the back, and sent by surface mail only to McCash Poetry Competition, c/o Lesley Duncan, The Herald, 200 Renfield Street, Glasgow, G2 3QB, to arrive by January 31, 2018.