You know those dreams where you're being chased by a Terrifying Shapeless Entity that might be a killer badger or (worse) a week in Wales with the in-laws, and you can't run properly because you're on a giant piece of toast spread knee-deep with Nutella?

You do? Then you know exactly how I feel about the ever-increasing number of grooming trends which are jumping the species barrier and being offered to men as well as women – and not just offered, but thrust at men in a way that makes them want to go "Flurghh!" and hide under a bed. Maybe even one in a cottage in Wales.

We all know about the fashion for teeth whitening, courtesy of Simon Cowell and the male stars of The Only Way Is Essex. Now it seems that fake tans and waxed "bikini lines" are the latest must-have male grooming "accessories".

These fake tans aren't your common-or-garden spray-ons, though. The buzzword here is bespoke: you consult with a grooming professional – or aesthetician, as they prefer to be called these days – and once you've chosen the exact shade of teak you want and which parts of your body you'd like it to enhance or hide, they apply it. Then it's buffed and finished off with a "moisture lock", typically made from glycerine and juniper berries. Anyone who has ever polished a sideboard will be familiar with the process.

And why has fake tan for men suddenly become acceptable? In part it's down to the growing realisation by the beauty industry that there's an untapped market out there – or relatively untapped: the male grooming market was still worth £35 billion in 2012, a 5% rise on the previous year. So they're putting their efforts into promoting it as a sensible way to spend money. And talking of money, it's also down to status, according to some commentators. As the economic recession continues, men are turning to the tan as a signifier of wealth and health and whether it came out of a TS50 Pro Mist Plus spraying device or as a result of three weeks on Richard Branson's yacht is beside the point.

As for waxing, a 2012 survey found that the number of men who indulged has increased 200% over the past five years. It isn't without its dangers, though: a recent study published in the British Medical Journal looked at the risk of infection that it poses. It studied 30 patients who had contracted a poxvirus called molluscum contagiosum after being waxed, shaved or trimmed and noted that 24 of the 30 were men. So there you go – not only is waxing wrong, it's positively injurious to your health. The short and curlies are there for a reason.

So brush your teeth twice a day gents, comb your hair on your birthday and moisturise if you must: to anything else, however, just say "Flurghh!"

barry.didcock@heraldandtimes.co.uk