SO, I'm at the Ronan Keating gig in Glasgow's Armadillo – someone had to be – to write a review and I'm sitting down.
I'm sitting down because I'm getting to that age where a sit-down is quite nice. I was the only person sitting down – all around were shaking it like a Polaroid picture.
But then the lady next to me turned round and gestured for me to stand up and dance with her. "How friendly," I thought. "How nice. These are the loveliest fans ever." But I declined. She insisted. I felt a little bad so I stood up and jigged about a bit, awkwardly. Next thing, the lady says to me: "You're Ronan's girlfriend, aren't you?"
I spluttered. "No. No, no." "Okay," she said, with a consipiratorial smile.
I surveyed myself: wind-wild hair, flat shoes, a cardy with a hole in it and a Tesco bag for life holding some shopping. Poor Ronan. What an insult.
He had said something on stage about having a sore throat and being under doctor's orders to drink ample water. A second lady walked past and said: "Make sure you give him lots of water tonight, then." I was still recovering from my gobsmacking when a third woman approached: "You're Ronan's girlfriend, aren't you?" No, I said. No, I'm not. "You can tell me," she insisted. I pointed at the reusable bag: "I've got a kilo of Alpen with me. I'm not a celebrity girlfriend. Their bags carry chihuahuas." She gestured behind her: "We think you are." Over my shoulder were a group of women clearly inspired to think that if I could snare Ronan, anyone could.
Just as I was Googling "Ronan & girlfriend & latest" on my phone a fourth woman walked past and muttered, salaciously: "Enjoy him for us all tonight." I shouted after her: "I've got a one-kilo bag of Alpen!"
But it set me thinking. These are difficult economic times. Everyone needs a Plan B. I could be a celebrity girlfriend. Why not? A perusal of gossip mags makes it look quite easy: I'd need nail extensions, hair extensions and some fake tan. That's do-able.
Kate Middleton's job involves wearing bikinis and issuing statements saying she doesn't like being photographed wearing bikinis and she's the most famous celeb other half of all. I could manage that.
I'm switching careers. All I need now is a celebrity introduction.
We moderate all comments on HeraldScotland on either a pre-moderated or post-moderated basis. If you're a relatively new user then your comments will be reviewed before publication and if we know you well and trust you then your comments will be subject to moderation only if other users or the moderators believe you've broken the rules
Moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours. Please be patient if your posts are not approved instantly.