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a celebrity girlfriend secret life

SO, I'm at the Ronan Keating gig in Glasgow's Armadillo – someone had to be – to write a review and I'm sitting down.

I'm sitting down because I'm getting to that age where a sit-down is quite nice. I was the only person sitting down – all around were shaking it like a Polaroid picture.

But then the lady next to me turned round and gestured for me to stand up and dance with her. "How friendly," I thought. "How nice. These are the loveliest fans ever." But I declined. She insisted. I felt a little bad so I stood up and jigged about a bit, awkwardly. Next thing, the lady says to me: "You're Ronan's girlfriend, aren't you?"

I spluttered. "No. No, no." "Okay," she said, with a consipiratorial smile.

I surveyed myself: wind-wild hair, flat shoes, a cardy with a hole in it and a Tesco bag for life holding some shopping. Poor Ronan. What an insult.

He had said something on stage about having a sore throat and being under doctor's orders to drink ample water. A second lady walked past and said: "Make sure you give him lots of water tonight, then." I was still recovering from my gobsmacking when a third woman approached: "You're Ronan's girlfriend, aren't you?" No, I said. No, I'm not. "You can tell me," she insisted. I pointed at the reusable bag: "I've got a kilo of Alpen with me. I'm not a celebrity girlfriend. Their bags carry chihuahuas." She gestured behind her: "We think you are." Over my shoulder were a group of women clearly inspired to think that if I could snare Ronan, anyone could.

Just as I was Googling "Ronan & girlfriend & latest" on my phone a fourth woman walked past and muttered, salaciously: "Enjoy him for us all tonight." I shouted after her: "I've got a one-kilo bag of Alpen!"

But it set me thinking. These are difficult economic times. Everyone needs a Plan B. I could be a celebrity girlfriend. Why not? A perusal of gossip mags makes it look quite easy: I'd need nail extensions, hair extensions and some fake tan. That's do-able.

Kate Middleton's job involves wearing bikinis and issuing statements saying she doesn't like being photographed wearing bikinis and she's the most famous celeb other half of all. I could manage that.

I'm switching careers. All I need now is a celebrity introduction.

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