The world, as you must have noticed, is a right strange place.

Fair enough, we're ones to talk, coming from Scotia Minor ("Do you want to control your own affairs?" "No"), and you can't traduce other people's cultural values just because they're different.

But I believe I stand on a plinth of righteous justice when I say there's something peculiar about hiring strippers to attend funerals. Were it an occasional display to commemorate someone who belonged to the noble profession, then fair enough.

It might also lighten proceedings, as is very trendy now. But I'm a black tie and misery man myself. Or is that weddings I'm thinking of?

No matter. Whether it be for weddings or funerals, we draw the line at strippers. But, in rural Chinashire, folk with more money than taste have been hiring the burlesque performers to attract bigger crowds at burials of the dearly departed.

Now, rural areas everywhere are odd, due to a lack of cinemas. But this is particularly peculiar. What if, as is usually the case, minors are present? Stripping, like everything else, is also against the law in China, which is a Mecca for people like me who like to see things banned.

China's Ministry of Culture - God, I'd love a job there - has announced a crackdown on the practice, observing that it is "uncivilised". Correct.

They added that stripping at funerals distorted the "cultural value of the entertainment business". I'm not sure they've grasped the right end of the big stick here.

It's the cultural value of funerals that's of concern. To be fair, the strippers only disrobe after performing traditional songs and dances first. But whence this need for entertainment and crowds?

I don't want anyone at my funeral. Hell, I don't want a funeral. I've hated being the centre of attention in life, and would still deplore it in death. I'd rather just be recycled.

Our local cooncil has bins for glass and textiles (blue), plastics, paper and cardboard (green) and food (grey). Surely they could add a black one for bodies?

I suppose the only trouble is that I'd have to bung myself in, which might be difficult if I were deid. Maybe I could get an estimated time of departure beforehand and just stand there till I keeled over.

At any rate, as in life at all times, I shall be fully clothed, and would expect anyone attending the local tip for a last look to be similarly decent.

In the meantime, next time I see a stripper, instead of alerting a constable as I usually do, I'll merely shout: "Where do you think you are, madam? A funeral in rural China?"