UPMARKET supermarket Waitrose was bombarded with joke messages claiming it was pretentious after asking folk on Twitter to say why they shopped there.

The messages remind Nigel Robson in Edinburgh of the boy in the private school uniform overheard asking his dad in Waitrose: "Does Lego have a 't' at the end like Merlot?"

Daylight robbery

A GLASGOW primary school teacher tells us he was chatting with his little darlings about time last week, and the discussion moved on to family history. He asked the class, if ancestors come before you, who comes after you?

One enthusiastic wee girl put her hand up and said: "Robbers, sir!"

Party express

OUR tale of the first-class rail steward being generous with the wine reminds Joan Johnston of returning from London to Glasgow by train after her 40th wedding anniversary, and telling the steward that repeated delays to the train due to flooding were putting a damper on what had otherwise been a fantastic anniversary weekend.

Says Joan: "He had a quick look around, pulled out a drawer of his drinks trolley, and deposited 10 miniature bottles of vodka on our table with the comment, 'Here, have yourselves a party.'"

Crucial cutbacks

THE royal family is providing a few smiles for our American cousins, it seems. Alan Couperwhite tells us late-night TV host Jay Leno commented last week: "The recession is so bad kids can't afford Halloween costumes this year. So they're going to take off all their clothes and go as the British royal family."

Unhealthy attitude

TALKING of the recession, a reader tells us a young woman he overheard in Glasgow's city centre last week was telling her pals she could easily go on a diet, but she couldn't afford to. Losing weight would mean her clothes wouldn't fit her and she didn't have the money to buy new outfits.

Alien environment

HOW times have changed. We mentioned it was 20 years since the scary Alien War was put on at the Arches in Glasgow. Phil Bradley tells us: "A friend of mine worked in Alien War as a 'space marine', and would casually wander, apres shift, round to the pub in Hope Street, still in 'uniform', with his replica blank-firing automatic pistol strapped to his hip. I wonder how far up Oswald Street he'd get now."

X marks the spot

APPLE has promised improvements after its new mapping software has angered users because of widespread inaccuracies, and misplaced towns and cities.

"Is that the mapping app," asks a reader, "that Ryanair pilots have been using for years?"

League of their own

AFTER the weekend football, a reader remarks: "I think we all assumed a Glasgow club would win the third division this season.

"And right enough, Queen's Park are sitting proudly at the top!"