If there was a zombie apocalypse," daughter number two tells me, "I don't think I'd want to survive."
If there was a zombie apocalypse," daughter number two tells me, "I don't think I'd want to survive."
We are discussing end-of-the-world scenarios. This is the sort of conversation we have often in our house, usually sparked by video games rather than a reading of the Book of Revelations (1).
"It wouldn't be much fun if you were the only human left," she continues. "I'd miss my social life (2)."
No electricity, so no mobile phones, no texting, no video games. What would be the point of living, she asks.
When I turn my mind to the idea of zombie apocalypses - not something I do every day, admittedly, but I'd be a liar if I said it never happens - I tend to agree with her. You wouldn't want to hang around, would you? And not just because I've never really seen myself as a potential Brad Pitt in any zombie apocalypse scenario (in casting terms I'm more of a third guy from the left; ie zombie food).
Others think differently. Susan, who sits next door to me in The Herald office, tells me she is always having this discussion with her better half. She's for living as long as possible. He's for a suicide pact.
There's some sense in that line of thinking. After all, even if I were to somehow avoid having my brain munched by any passing monster (3), do I have the skill set to help establish a post-apocalyptic new society? Frankly, I'm not sure I'm even capable of zombie-proofing my house. I can't keep the cats out of the cupboard, after all.
And the worst thing about zombies is that even if you survive an attack you just turn into a zombie. And that's not a good thing. I mean, all that blood and unsightly rot. Not very becoming.
At least vampires get nice clothes most of the time. In fact, I've just watched a new DVD, Kiss Of The Damned, and the main downside to being a vampire appears to be that you have to go to these stilted parties where you drink blood from crystal glasses.
You also have to be a bad actor. But at least you look photogenic in the gratuitous sex scenes.
Has there ever been a zombie sex scene? Actually, strike that. I don't need to know.
I suppose if you had the choice you might prefer to be a werewolf when all's said and done.
At least then you get to be human 29 days of the month.
Then again I'd spend most of them obsessing over the number of people I ate on day 30. And that would be no fun.
Especially since I'm a vegetarian.
FOOTNOTES
[1] Has anyone thought of a video game based on the Book of Revelations yet?
[2] As established in Age Concerns passim, said social life mostly involves hanging round in parks.
[3] Are zombies monsters, though? There's an ontological question to ponder.
Twitter: @teddyjamieson
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article