J has gone to Weston-super-Mare for the weekend.
[1] I am home alone. Well, apart from two teenage daughters and two cats. That said, I might as well be on my own. Over the course of 48 hours I see more of the cats.
Daughter Number Two spends all her time talking to her mates on Snapchat. That's when she's not actually out with her friends. There doesn't seem to be a single moment of the day when she's not in contact with her friends. Maybe at 4am when she dozes off.
Daughter Number One is in her room watching videos or off doing her hospital radio volunteering. The only time I see either of them is when they want something to eat. Or money to go and buy something to eat. [2]
I spend my time washing, washing up or cleaning cat puke off the floor after the little gits break into the cupboard and steal cat food. This is a regular occurrence. They still don't seem to realise that the cat food wrapper they keep chewing to get at the food is indigestible.
On the fifth time I stoop to pick up half-digested gobbets of what was once a chicken (allegedly) I finally lose my temper. "Stop stealing things you bloody bitches," I shout at the cats who are looking at me with utter indifference from the top of the boiler.
"Dad, they can't be bitches. They're not female dogs," Daughter Number Two says as she materialises for a rare moment in the living room.
"Very droll," I say as I drop the chicken mush into the bin. To be honest I'm glad of the company for the 30 seconds it lasts.
At some point I speak to my sister in Liverpool. She has a two-year-old child to deal with. "He's in my face all the time," she says.
"That will change," I tell her as tumble weed rolls across the middle of the room.
It gets worse. I'm reduced to Twitter and petting the cats in lieu of personal interaction until J phones.
She's having a lovely time. Out for dinner. In the pub. Drinking wine. I'm on my eighth mug of tea of the day and listening to Robbie Savage on Five Live. That's how desperate things are.
I ask all the stupid questions that you'd ask about Weston-super-Mare. "Yes, she says, it is right on the Bristol Channel. Just opposite Barry Island. No, you can't see Barry Island. No, I haven't seen Gavin or Stacey. No, not even Smithy." [3]
"What have you been doing?" she asks. Not much. Building a meat mountain out of cat puke, I say. I've nothing else. Or almost nothing. I've just remembered the question I need to ask. The only one that matters.
"When are you coming back?"
[1] She knows how to live.
[2] That said, I'm the one who's sent out to Domino's.
[3] Come on, this is up to date compared to most of the cultural references that crop up in this space.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article