RIGHT, let's call this BBC drama meeting to order.
We're here to kick around a few ideas for this remake of the Great Escape we're planning. As you know we showed the original so many times in the 19780s and 1980s that the print has more or less worn out, so it's time to make a new version.
We've already commissioned Andrew Lloyd Webber to do a new theme tune. Only problem is he's put his rates up. And even after we promised him another Saturday night prime-time advert for his next West End show, Geordie Shore: The Musical, he's cost us so much that we're going to have to scale down our plans for casting.
So we're going to have to rethink getting George Clooney to play the James Garner role. And Ryan Gosling is definitely a no-no for Steve McQueen.
So, who can we get cheap? Lindsay Lohan? I'm not sure she could pull off the James Coburn part. And frankly I don't think we could meet the insurance premiums. Then again we'd definitely get an FHM feature, I'd imagine. Let's put that idea in the possibles pile.
As for the Brits, well Dominic West obviously. As you know casting former Etonians always plays well with the PM and there's a licence fee renewal coming up in 2017. And Matt Lucas and David Walliams are always desperate to show they can act.
And wouldn't Harry Hill, pictured, make a good Donald Pleasance? He's got the bald head already. And that means we might get a TV Times cover out of it as well. And he'd be perfect for the Christmas bloopers spin-off.
But we need a Scot to play the Gordon Jackson part. And I'm suggesting we go out on a limb here. How about Alex Salmond? No, think about it. He's good in front of the camera and we can always say we're providing some political balance. Which means we can book Nigel Farage on Question Time again the next time David Dimbleby goes north of the Border and then the Cybernats can't complain.
But we will need some political balance though. And we also need to cast some Nazis. So who's good at playing stern and nasty?. Someone who is generally dismissive of his fellow human beings. What did you say, Jeremy? Oh yes that's perfect. Of course, why didn't I think of it? Samantha, do you think you could find me Michael Gove's office number?
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