THEY'RE just clearing up the Grove Hotel down there in Watford now.

The heads of governments, captains of industry, strategists and innovators, "thought-leaders", CEOs and chairmen have all left, their bags bulging with the little soaps from the bathroom, the free Bilderberg pens and the odd towel. Well, you don't get to run a multinational business without taking the opportunities that present themselves to you, do you?

On the big table downstairs there are a few sad, solitary badges belonging to those delegates who didn't show up – hmph! No invite for them next year then – but all is quiet in the corridors, save for an excited yelp when one of the cleaners discovers Google boss Eric Schmidt, pictured, has left a Nexus as a tip.

Ah yes, the world of conferences and conference hotels. We've all been there. Did they have one of those event companies come in on Saturday night? "OK, listen up. Can we have delegates from Greece and Spain in the garden please? Now, we know your economies are collapsing-but let's see if you make the giant Jenga stay up!"

After dinner (Fillet of Quantitative Easing avec glazed Unemployment et petit fours million EU Subsidy), they fire up the automatic bucking bronco machine whose horns someone has cheekily bent into the shape of the curo. Lord Mandelson changes into full Village People gear for this. It's embarrassing. Trouble is, he's rather good.

As ever, there were some grand names there. My own favourite was Ulysses Kyriacopoulos, Chairman of S&B Industrial Minerals in South Africa, who must have required a fold-out badge in order to incorporate all those syllables. Unless it just said "Ulysses", and why not?

Meanwhile, there was more embarrassment out in reception. One of the delegates – it would be rude to name names – says: "Hello. I'm looking for something for my nephew. He's only six but he's crazy into Ben Ten and the Turtles who I think have come back. I was wondering if he could make a branded one of those? Is that something you do?

The young woman on the desk was very professional. She's young, so many of her sentences go up the end, as if everything is a question. "Well, madam-I think something like that might be possible? Only, forgive me, but this is the Bilderberg conference?

"And I think, um, you might be wanting one of the Build-a-Bear outlets-?"