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Scotland rains supreme for moans

IT'S a moot point, but what planet does Doctor Who star Karen Gillan, aka Amy Pond, think she's on?

I ask this after reading in yesterday's Herald that the actress, who is working in Hollywood just now (she is due to be seen in the big-budget movie Guardians Of The Galaxy in August), said in a webchat with fans that "I miss Scotland so much. All of my friends and family are there and I miss the rain".

Hmm ... if you were to jot down the things you would miss about dear old Caledonia, would rain be near the top of your list? Wouldn't it be one of the things you would find you could very happily do without?

Hey, I quite like making lists. So here goes. Things I would miss about Scotland:

1 The summers: No, don't laugh. It's great when the sun finally puts in an appearance. Everyone cheers up, the fair sex is resplendent in pretty summer dresses, and the air is filled with the heady aroma of smoke, charcoal and burgers burning on thousands of disposable barbecues.

2 The banter: We really are a friendly race. For example, I can't buy a train ticket without the teller asking me how I am or expressing the fervent wish that I have a good day. And he or she is never daunted by my replies of, respectively, "Hah, don't ask" and "Fat chance".

3 The football: Our version of the beautiful game may not always be pretty, but there is nothing like it for engendering passion.

4 The telly: We have the best in the world. Great dramas like Line Of Duty, wonderful documentaries from the likes of David Attenborough, sublime sitcoms, too many to mention.

That was easy. Now, things I would not miss about Scotland:

1 The summers: The first weekend after the sun puts in an appearance, people moan that it is too hot and repeat the mantra "We're no' used to this heat, man". And the streets are a sea of sun-burned shoulders and pink, wobbling beer bellies redolent of rancid-coconut factor 30.

2 The banter: Everybody thinks they are either a comic or an agony aunt. Is there no peace to be had anywhere?

3 The football: I support the Hibs. Right now, I hate everything to do with the blooter-filled game.

4 The telly: Consider, if you will, daytime TV: Cash In The Attic. Flog It. Auf Weidersehen My Pet. Oh, dear God.

You may, perhaps, notice the remarkable similarities between both lists. That is only to be expected, I suppose, from the country that gave the world Jekyll and Hyde. Karen, any chance you can get me aboard that Tardis?

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