Supportive parents are just champion

With our everyday focus on the untidy bedroom, the uneaten cabbage and the undone homework, the children sort of raise themselves. And suddenly they're gone while we're still trying to get it right.

Almost of us can hope that we have been what the psychologist Donald Winnicott called a "good enough" parent.

What made me wonder about parenting and its importance was catching the final section of the BBC Sports Personality of the Year programme on Sunday evening.

World champion racing driver Lewis Hamilton took the top award. He seemed surprised and a little awed to find himself holding the trophy in the company of the greats. And he knew exactly whom to thank. It was his dad, a man who worked four jobs to buy and maintain an old banger for Lewis when he was a boy keen on go-karting. This is a father who has been a constant support.

Lewis, from a fractured mixed-race family with no money, was preceded onto the stage by Sir Chris Hoy who collected a life-time achievement award. Hoy grew up in a solid family in an established Edinburgh suburb and attended private day school. But when he held his trophy he also knew whom to thank. He pointed out his parents in the audience and paid tribute to the part they played in his success.

As I watched, my mind flashed back to last year's winner, Andy Murray. Could anyone deny mother Judy's contribution to his success?

A survey carried out by Disney in June asked people to identify the person who had most influenced them in life. Mum and dad topped the poll. They scored higher than Richard Branson, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King and Mo Farah.

It suggests that if parents want to attain star status, they need only look into the eyes of their children.

After a race last year Lewis Hamilton spoke about how his father, Anthony, came to his car at the start to shake his hand. He said: "It feels the same as when I was eight years old, him saying good luck and there with me all the way. That's one of the most special feelings."

The father's exceptional dedication and focus on the boy seemed to matter as much as his practical assistance. It was a confidence booster.

Hoy's father David also offered his son extraordinary commitment. When Hoy took up BMX cycling at the age of seven, inspired by ET, his dad became involved in the administration of BMX and later joined the board in Scotland. Hoy wasn't an instant winner. His father recalled that another boy always pipped him at the post but Hoy just kept plugging away. He said: "So long as they are enjoying it and doing well there's not a lot between first and second."

It's an attitude that marks the difference between a supportive parent and a pushy one. When David Hoy saw how embarrassingly some parents were behaving, he took a course in the psychology of children's sport. He learned that encouragement and self-motivation are the best aids to success.

When Hoy moved to mountain bikes his father ran the Scottish mountain bike cross country series for seven years. In summer he'd drive hundreds of miles on three weekends out of four to take the young Hoy to competitions. At the same time he encouraged his son to complete his education and get a degree.

It wasn't just money that has made Chris Hoy the most successful cyclist ever at Olympic level. It was hard work, his strength of character and crucially the dedicated support of his father and family.

Look back at last year and who could doubt that winner Andy Murray had benefitted from the support of his mother? Mothers actually top the poll of most inspirational figure with 49 per cent of people surveyed citing "mum".

Murray has said of Judy: "My mum is the one person who gets me. She understands me really well."

It is comforting reading for parents who have split up. The Murrays weren't the Waltons. Judy and her husband William parted when Andy was about 10-years-old. He and his brother Jamie lived with their father but it was their mother who got them interested in tennis. She coached them and when Andy, hell bent on beating his brother, showed dedication, she backed him.

When he told her how much better training opportunities were in Spain she got a job selling jewellery and lingerie to raise the fees. She'd had tennis playing ambitions of her own but having to travel south by bus and sleep in a tent scuppered them. Like Hamilton's father, she was determined to offer her sons something better.

Ellis Cashmore, Professor of culture, media and sport at Staffordshire University, has written books about David Beckham and Mike Tyson. He called on parents to stop pushing their children towards sporting achievement since "very few will succeed at any kind of level at all".

He says that sport should be fun and that we need to remind ourselves that it won't solve the recession, bring peace on earth or save the planet.

Who could argue? Champions are by their nature rarities and what is clear from each of the three I have cited is that the impetus for their success came from the child. They weren't pushed. They were supported.

But surely all children would benefit from parental support and focus. (And it's clear that support from one parent suffices.) Children needn't be driven for hundreds of miles every weekend but turning up at their Saturday morning match will mean a lot. No one has to take four jobs to buy a go-kart but a bit of overtime to stretch to a dream present might sprinkle some emotional magic.

Studies show that just receiving income support from absent fathers has a measurable effect on a child's good behaviour and school work, not least because it reduces maternal stress. And the Disney research also showed that children who have an inspirational person in their lives are more likely to be healthier and eventually to have higher earnings than those without.

We can't all be rich any more than our children can all be world champions. But it seems we should be aware that we can all give our children the emotional support that will make them feel like champions.

It will help them to make the best of themselves. And it will help parents of all backgrounds to know they all have it in their power to go some way, in this unjust society, towards levelling the odds.