YOU have to feel a little sorry for the Chihuahua whose photograph has been doing the rounds on the internet.

Not only is he a canine doppelganger for one of the most evil dictators in history, but the poor chap has been saddled with an unenviable moniker to match: Adolf. Imagine the puppy training. Sit, stay, wait, lie down, heel Hitler...

Still, naming a pet can be a tricky business. As a child I clearly preferred to save my imagination for more important matters such as go-kart design and building dens at the bottom of the garden.

My family owned various animals over the years including two cats, one called Smokey (a grey tabby) and another called Bandit (which I would subsequently claim was due to the mask-like markings on the feline's face). The truth: it was the early eighties and the Smokey and the Bandit trilogy was all the rage in deepest, darkest West Lothian.

One that always sticks with me is a former neighbour who had adopted a curious aquatic theme when christening her menagerie of moggies. Each evening she would stand at the front door and shout for the cats to come in for their dinner. The nightly cry of "Haddock, Mackerel, Codfather" never failed to remind me of a bustling fish market.

I kept expecting her to throw in a few alternative lines: "Two for a fiver; get your cockles, whelks and winkles here; all fresh from the sea."

As a general rule of thumb one should try to avoid selecting names from the following categories: politicians, footballers, disgraced television stars, former Blue Peter pets, illegal drugs, old lovers, hated colleagues, fashion labels, cleaning products and anything post-modern ironic.

This list is extensive but not exhaustive. If in doubt, picture yourself roaming the streets calling to said wretched creature as the entire neighbourhood cringes and sniggers at your efforts.

Stranger than pet names, though, is news of a more worrying trend. According to a new YouGov survey, when asked their favourite animal women in the UK chose miniature pigs while lobsters would appear to have ousted dogs as man's best friend.

As regular viewers of The Simpsons will testify, the tale of man and tasty crustacean doesn't end well. Anyone remember the time Homer got a pet lobster called Pinchy? Disaster struck faster than you could say: "would you like that on the half shell?"

If you enter "how big do..." into Google the most popular suggestion to complete the search is "micro pigs get?" This is disconcerting. Almost as perplexing as why I was typing the words: "how big do..." in the first place. But that's another story.