It has sounded like text message heaven this week, with the initials of two bodies dominating everything.
If it wasn't the Institute of Fiscal Studies saying one thing, it was the Office of Budget Responsibility saying another.
Personally, I'd like to see what the IFS says about the OBR – even vice versa. Strikes me they're kind of working in the same area, surely an argument for amalgamation in these austere times. FBORIS might not make much sense as an organisation, but it would look good on T-shirts, a big seller in London perhaps.
In truth, every household should have an IFS or an OBR and, er, mine's just coming in now. "Oh hello love! Yes, pretty busy actually [move things around on desk. Make ineffectual typing actions]. Just working on the piece. It's a financial one this week, a bit serious [thinks: will she buy this?] Your hair's looking nice - Gosh, was it really three weeks ago you had it cut? I thought it was yester' – anyhow, mild today isn't it?"
On a domestic level, the IFS and the OBR loosely translate into Management. Or, as some like to call it, the Home Office. "Fancy a beer on Friday?"
"Sounds cool. Just need to check with the Home Office."
If there is more than one of you and you're undecided who Management is in your household, take this simple test.
If you're a man reading this, it's her. If you're a woman, it's you. To put it another way: sorry guys – you're simply staff.
Management uses a very simple tool to run the office. It's on the wall in the kitchen and is called the calendar.
Woe betide anyone who transgresses this sacred parchment. That which is not put on the calendar does not exist.
"But it's my mother's funeral!"
"And where does it say that?", says Management, holding said calendar aloft, one of Picasso's portraits gently swaying in front of you and looking rather like how you feel and making you nauseous.
"All I can see is 'Martin Luther King Jr Day, holiday USA'," this last said with a sort of patronising venom. "I have a dream too – a dream of a time when people WILL WRITE THINGS ON HERE!"
At which point you retreat upstairs before the IFS becomes the Institute of Fisticuff Studies.
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