Sunday afternoon and I'm lost in Blackpool.

Actually, no, that's not true. I know exactly where I am. Standing next to Spongebob Squarepants in the Pleasure Beach. [1] But where everyone else is, I haven't a clue. They're lost to me.

It's gone down like this. My mum has gone to visit my sister in Liverpool. We've all decided to meet up for a weekend. Someone - I think it was me - suggested Blackpool. And so here we are, surrounded by lads in football tops, girls carrying giant plastic penises, impossibly-glammed up young women in the hotel foyer at 10 in the morning [2] and kids hopped up on candy floss and Irn Bru rock. The gateway confectionary.

Anyway, at some point it was inevitable we were going to end up at the Pleasure Beach. J loves the Pleasure Beach. Daughters Number One and Number Two too. Me, I can't stand the place. But anything for a quiet life.

The Saturday is too cold, it turns out. But Sunday is perfect. Or more accurately, not quite Arctic. So off we go. As soon as we are through the gate I am handed coats, bags, bottles of juice. "Revolution this way," is the last thing I hear. For the rest of the day I am basically a mobile coat stand.

Me and my mum potter about watching other people enjoy themselves. Normally I do this by myself when we come here. Stand about and wait for others to have their bodies flung up, down, around and side to side. Repeatedly. I don't really go in for that sort of thing. It's a bit like Formula 1 or Scientology; I understand the concept but can find no merit in it whatsoever.

Normally I bring a book.

By early afternoon I haven't seen them for hours, not since they were glimpsed flying above my head shortly after we first arrived. Maybe it's time for lunch, I think. I phone J. I can hear her mobile ringing. In the bag I am carrying. Ditto Daughter Number One's. And Daughter Number Two's. I notice, too, that I have all their purses as well.

Naturally, I take mum to lunch before I go to look for them. After an all-you-can-eat pizza buffet, [3] I start the search. Half an hour later I have realised that the Pleasure Beach is much bigger than I remember. I have also seen some families five times as I've wandered around. My own, though, not hide nor hair.

My mum and my sister will have to go soon. They've got other plans. And I've got a three-hour drive ahead of me. I'll walk round one more time, I say. It strikes me that I don't even know if J has ever hitched before.

[1] Spongebob says hello, by the way.

[2] They're going out, not coming in. I think.

[3] I manage a couple of slices of veggie pizza, one slice of margherita, some tomato pasta and potato salad. Not sure I got my money's worth.