TO Shetland, and into Lerwick, with a view of the Sans Vitesse and Ocean Endeavour, floating homes for gas industry workers, plus Sella Ness, a huge accommodation block.

Recently, a man died there in unexplained circumstances, which led to 2000 workers getting the day off. Mayhem ensued. Mention has been made of the Wild West. A barmaid described seeing a man with "his tackle out". I am assuming she did not mean fishing tackle.

I have been to Shetland a couple of times before. The most memorable was when the tanker, Braer, ran aground in 1993, spilling copious amounts of evil oil. Hacks from all over flocked to the island. In our party were a few Dodo meenisters and my chum Magnus Magnusson, in his role as heidbummer of Scottish Natural Heritage. The return journey in a peedie plane was beyond hairy due to the fierce wind. Finally, we made it into the air, whereupon Mr M broke into the drinks cabinet and poured a gin and tonic - then we hit turbulence and the G&T went all over Michael Howard, he of whom Annie Widdecombe said there was something of the night. On this occasion, however, he got something of a fright.

WHO would have thunk it? I refer to Brazil's exit from the WC. I cheered every time the Germans punctured the Brazilian's rubbery defence. One still has nightmares remembering when Ingerland defeated Scotia 9-3. On that fateful afternoon, the former scored four goals in seven minutes, a feat the Germans bettered by a minute. Please file this under "Useless Info".

A tube writes to The Times: "I was born in Scotland in 1948, have lived in Scotland at various times, and regularly spend time at my cottage in Argyll … I am being denied the opportunity to vote solely on an issue of geography."

Is she suggesting she should have the "right" to vote as she has a second home here? In which case, every second home-owner ought to get two votes, irrespective of whether the superfluous home is in Tobermory, Tunbridge Wells or Torremolinos.

ACCORDING to a blogger, Posh Dave will be heartbroken if Scotia leaves the Union. To emphasise this, the Pee-Em has been "citing his genuine Scots connections". These include his great-great uncle, John Geddes, a Scots Canadian who died in the First World War. Scraping the barrel even further, the blogger points out that Cameron means "crooked nose" in "Highland Scots dialect". Or, as we teuchters prefer to call it, Gaelic.

THE most important document chez moi and the Home Secretary is "how to get the best from your remote control". We were tickled by a programme's commentary, assuming we had stumbled on one of those post-modern dramas. "She walks through the door," a plummy voice would say, or: "He picks up a book and whacks her over the head with it." In fact we had activated, via the remote, the commentary for the visually impaired - which took us several fraught days to turn off.