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You'll be smartin' in viscose tartan

NEWS that Lidl is selling cheap kilts has rocked the world of expensive kilts.

However, the German supermarket chain is not stopping there. It's selling bagpipes for £12.99.

The £19.99 kilts are made of poly viscose, which sounds painful already, and they offer you a choice of three tartans: Black Watch, Royal Stewart and Granite Grey.

I must say it would be fun to turn up to a right posh do and say: "Yes, I'm from the Clan Granite, ken? And I could fair murder a tin of champagne."

I mustn't mock. Proper, authentic kilts comprise one of those areas of life where, as a kiltular virgin, you make what you think is a realistic estimate of the cost and find you're out by 7,000 per cent.

I've only worn a kilt once but, luckily, that was rented. I knew it would be a one-off as I never normally go to weddings. As with christenings and funerals, I find the grief too painful.

But I must say I rather enjoyed the whole kilt outfit and, with knees like mine, particularly appreciated the long, thick socks.

The key is to go out like a modern footballer, with absolutely no leg-flesh showing, and your body reeking of Deep Heat.

However, I do regret diving theatrically during the ceremony.

You can get the full Highland Dress outfit at Lidl for £46.96 — "Keep the four pence, my good man" — including a craven ghillie shirt and a sporran to stow your chewing gum and fags.

Without any warning, threat or risk to their purse, members of the "proud Scot but" brigade could set themselves up in an authentic-looking imitation Scottish outfit, just like their beloved Better No' campaign.

All this makes the average Lidl shopping list even more bizarre: milk, rolls, caviar-burgers, bagpipes, space satellite, invisibility cloak.

I hae ma doots aboot the thirteen quid pipes, mind. I can't think they'll have me playing like Jimi McRae, the Hendrix of the pipes (check him out on YouTube).

One short blast and the neighbours'll think I'm jumping up and doon on a Teletubby.

But it's all a bit of fun, provided it's restricted to the privacy of one's own home or shed.

A proper kilt is really good and should last you for life, hence the price.

Watch out for that poly viscose too. It can cause a right nasty itch in your Cairngorms.

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