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Times are a changing

BIG day today in Scotland of course.

A reader was in his local corner store when a fellow shopper stopped to read a list of opening times pasted to the shop's door. "When are you open on Hogmanay?" the shopper shouted over to the owner.

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And then added confusingly: "This list only goes up to December 31."

Money talks

TALKING of shopping, Ian Millar tells us: "The shop was offering £5 off your bill if you spent £40. My total was £39.99. The checkout girl said in a loud voice, 'You'll have to spend a penny'. Other shoppers backed away from me."

Mother nature's might

TERRIBLE weather too. Stewart MacKenzie in Newlands reads on the BBC news website that "members of the public have described widespread damage to property and disruption to fights". He wondered if that was a reference to Glasgow at chucking out time.

Getting to the point

A GLASGOW reader on a climbing trip to Africa was telling friends he was bitten by a snake and went to the local hospital for a check-up as a precaution. "Are you allergic to anything?" the doctor asked and the chap said he couldn't stand needles. At that the doctor brought out one of the largest syringes the climber had ever seen, and he fainted on the spot.

When he came to and asked the doctor what he was playing at, the medic replied: "I thought you said noodles."

To go or not to go

SHADES of the old Glasgow tram retort when Cumnock Juniors were playing Largs in the West of Scotland Cup the other week, and a Largs player was sent off. He was taking his time leaving, and as they were only one goal behind, the Largs keeper was keen to get on with the game. Cumnock fan Andrew Cameron tells us: "The keeper shouted over at his slowly leaving fellow player, 'Get aff!'. The player speeded up but the keeper then shouted, 'Come on!'

"The player turned and looked a bit confused about which way to go before finally leaving the field. It was just like the old tram conductress who would shout, 'Come on! Get aff!'"

Mixed messages

SIGNS that the world is changing with the use of mobile phones. As younger chap Allan Cresswell puts it: "When I arrived at my friend's house I thought it would be funny to not text him, but instead knock on the door like our ancestors did."

Silence is golden

CHAP in a Glasgow pub announced: "Turns out my brother has been working as a mime artist for the past five years, and I never knew."

"He kept that quiet," piped up his mate.

A unique take

WE turn the off switch on Scottish TV programmes after independence, but before the screen goes blank, we should mention:

Celebrity Square Sausage - Scottish cookery quiz. (Jim White).

All Craters Great and Small - drama about the state of Glasgow's roads. (Andy Clark).

Weel or No Weel? - Noel Edmonds finds out how a group of Scots are keeping. (Carl Williamson).

Embarrassing Buddies - following St Mirren through a bad spell. (Eric Donegan).

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