A READER back from holiday in Spain realised that the couple lying next to them at the hotel pool were from Glasgow when the chap, who was admittedly very hirsute on his back, asked his wife to rub some sun-tan oil on him.

After a few seconds of rubbing, she exclaimed loudly in an unmistakable west coast accent: "Ma goad, Robert. It's like rubbing custard on a shagpile carpet."

All a-quiver?

THE new Moffat Museum extension will be officially opened this Saturday with a demonstration shooting of a replica 6000-year-old longbow. The original longbow, which has pride of place in the museum, was not discovered after some lengthy excavation. As Wendy Simpson, chair of the Moffat Musuem tells us: "You know when you throw a twig for your labrador and it returns with a completely different and much longer stick balancing precariously from its mouth? That's what happened to Dan Jones when he was walking near Moffat - only the stick turned out to be a 6000-year-old longbow."

We wonder if Dan then threw a pound coin just to see what the dog might bring back instead.

Bright remark?

WE mentioned students not trying all that hard for jobs this summer. A reader swears to us he tried to encourage his daughter by reading out a newspaper advertisement where a local pensioner was looking for someone to do some light housekeeping.

His daughter quickly replied that she didn't know anything about lighthouses.

Muscle power

NOT everyone meets a future partner in the pub. A Newton Mearns reader was at her local gym where two other women were watching a well-muscled chap work out furiously. They were debating whether he was single, with one of them coming up with the argument: "Of course he is. Nobody works out as hard as that when they're in a healthy relationship."

Wine expert

THE argument about whether wine improves with age was being discussed at an Ayrshire golf club last week, where one member put up the argument: "Of course wine improves with age. The older you get, the more you like it."

Tooth to tell

TALKING of age, Andy Cumming tells us: "I was chatting to my pal Angus in Carmunnock when the topic of getting old came up. 'We know when we are getting old,' said Angus, 'when you need to upgrade your check list before you go out from keys and phone, to keys, phone and teeth'."

Ceiling wags

ANOTHER returning holidaymaker tells us she was awestruck by the Sistine Chapel at the Vatican. Her amazement at the intricate ceiling was only slightly marred by an American beside her telling his partner: "Do you think Michelangelo secretly hoped that in the future a radioactive ninja turtle would be named after him?"