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Birthday wish

A SENIOR citizen on Glasgow's south side was celebrating his 85th birthday the other day with family and friends gathered round when a cake was brought in with candles for him to blow out.

As he completed the Hurculean task the cry went up for him to "make a wish!" The short silence that followed was broken by the old chap's wife declaring: "Nope. Still here."

Gritty humour

MUCH merriment over the Ukip councillor claiming that recent floods were caused by the Government legalising same-sex marriages. Almost immediately a spoof Ukip Weather Twitter account was set up giving weather warnings such as: "Council gritters are on high alert after a man in Peterborough went into a pub and ordered a glass of white wine."

Lightning the mood

TALKING of the weather, The Herald's dramatic picture of the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro being hit by lightning was being discussed on a Glasgow train. James Thomson tells us: "A fellow passenger turned to his wife and said, 'Did you see lightning hit that statue of Jesus in Brazil? If God's going after Him what hope do the rest of us have?'"

The mouths of babes

AT the end of the New Year holiday period, a Glasgow father was taking his toddler daughter to a soft-play area. As they left, the little girl turned, waved, and declared: "Bye fun." Her father thought that was cute until he realised he was back at work the next day, and thought to himself: "Goodness, she's right."

After-match comment

MANCHESTER United's Glasgow manager David Moyes continues to be a figure of fun as his side lost again, this time to a Samuel Eto'o hat-trick for Chelsea. An English football fan phones to tell us: "David Moyes is going to be signed up for the next reality television show. It's called I'm a Calamity: Get Me Eto'o Here."

Tweet old lady

FOR those of you still getting to grips with Twitter, Ian Power tells us: "I was explaining Twitter to my 74-year-old mum. I said there's lots of joking and showing off. She said, 'That's what pubs are for'. She has a point."

Hot topic

A COLLEAGUE makes us groan by wandering over and telling us: "Having a pipe insulation race against my sister. Left her lagging."

What a puddin'

YES, the Burns Suppers have begun in earnest. Our favourite yarn was advertising boss John Morgan who once told his audience at a Burns Night: "I was in my native Govan and decided to pop into Govan Library to brush up on my Burns before speaking at a Burns Supper. I said to the librarian, 'Robert Burns. The Complete Works.'

"'I'm sorry Mr Burns,' she replied, 'but the massage parlour is a bit further down the road'."

Any other favourites?

National ... er ... treeasure

WE asked for some of the more amusing arguments during the independence debate, and Russell Smith asks: "Will I have to learn all the daft verses of Flower of Scotland?"

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