YES, it was the Budget yesterday, and our business contact phones to explain it to us.

"It's good news for bingo-loving, beer-drinking pensioners. Or Conservative voters, as they are otherwise known."

And a chap stopping for a pint on the way home in Glasgow last night, paused to ponder the penny off his beer and said: "Just another 319 to go, and George Osborne has bought me a pint."

On the ball

MOTHER'S Day a week on Sunday - you're welcome - and Dundee Football Club is advertising: "Looking for something different for Mother's Day? With the date fast approaching, why not do something special for the most important woman in your life. For a small donation of £5, we will send your mum a personalised letter from manager Paul Hartley, wishing her a Happy Mother's Day."

As fan Shaughan McGuigan says: "I think my maw might be happier with some flowers, but thanks for the suggestion Dundee."

Fuelling new jokes

ALISON Campbell is concerned about the possible go-ahead of the controversial gas extraction method of fracking, which opponents claim can cause earthquakes, on the shores of the River Forth. Asks Alison: "Will people end up saying, 'Did the Airth move for you?'"

Not boxing clever

OUR dating stories remind writer Deedee Ciddihy, when researching her tome, The Little Book of Scottish Men, of the Glasgow woman who told her: "When I was 16 I started going out with Brian who was 24 and not only had a job but his own car so I was chuffed.

"I brought him home to meet the family who were watching the telly. Halfway through the programme, Brian got up, cocked his leg like a dog, and farted. There was a stunned silence, then my father leaned over and hissed, 'Get him out of here.' That was the last date I had with him."

Coining it in

THE new one pound coin will look like the old thruppeny bit. We wondered if the old, crude, Cockney rhyming slang which uses thrupenny bits was still remembered, and we think it might be as the wesite thrupennybits.co.uk sells breastfeeding cushions.

Shrewdly one reader tells us: "Time surely to buy shares in the company that makes the mechanism for lockable supermarket trolleys. They'll be making thousands of new ones."

Rising to the challenge

A READER in a pub in Dundee heard a visitor, not enamoured of the city, ask a local: "Can you tell me one thing Dundee is famous for?" He felt the reply "piece of cake" was genius.

Right on queue

FEARS that a Scottish education isn't what it used to be were confirmed for one reader waiting for a taxi in Glasgow's city centre last weekend when he heard the young woman behind him in the queue tell off the young chap with her by declaring: "The world doesn't revolve around you. You're not the moon."

"Galileo would be so disappointed," says our reader.

United in dispair

GLASWEGIAN David Moyes continues to get stick for the poor league performance of Manchester United this season. A bookmaker yesterday posted a list of ways that the club could still qualify for next season's European Champions League. They include: "Pay a prominent marketing firm to re-brand seventh as the new fourth or the clever: "They simply turn up at next season's Champions League, start playing and hope nobody says anything."