WE liked the line from divorced stand-up Maxine Jones, who appeared at the Glasgow Comedy Festival, about bringing up her sons after separating from her husband.
Said Maxine: "Quite hard bringing up three boys. Basically, you're rearing three replicas of someone you don't like very much."
Laced with humour
OUR story about American airport security reminds Glen Elliot in Elgin: "I was in Houston International Airport when I encountered the problem of whether to take off my shoes and belt. There was a considerable build-up of passengers all with the same predicament. The problem was soon resolved when a lady security attendant shouted out: 'If you are over 70 years of age there is no need to take your shoes off as you all have enough problems tying your shoe laces'."
The real thing
RESEARCH shows that the British pub is one reason cited by tourists for visiting the UK. A Glasgow reader was reminded of this when an American lady recently entered the pub he was in and asked the portly barman for a diet Coke. The chap looked on his shelves, brought out a regular Coke and told the woman: "Run out of the diet, but you're on your holidays, so go on, have the full-fat one."
He then looked down at his considerable girth and added: "As you can see, I've been on my holidays for a good few years now."
Cover line
THE pub is of course one of the most popular spots for meeting the opposite sex. Jamie McGarry in Rhu watched a couple of chaps at the pub he was in approach two ladies, with one of the lads introducing his pal as "Mr Duvet"
Says Jamie: "'That's an odd name', was the reply from one of the ladies. 'Why do you call him that?'
"The instant response was: 'He's been turned down more times than a hotel bed'."
Litter letter
WE mentioned the sculpture exhibition at Glasgow's Gallery of Modern Art which is a tad avant-garde. Referring to one exhibit that features ceramic orange peel scattered across the floor, someone wrote in the gallery's comments book: "I felt my OCD kicking off, and I had to leave before I started tidying up."
Single-minded?
A WORKER at an insurance call centre in Lanarkshire tells us he was dealing with a customer who was wanting car insurance for himself and his girlfriend but was surprised by how high the quote was. Trying to lighten the moment, the call centre worker told him it would be cheaper if they were married.
After a pause, the caller replied: "Maybe so. But you don't buy an airline just to get a free packet of peanuts." Which we think means he's not planning to get married any day soon.
