A NEW study out this week has suggested that around half of Britons have German blood but how do you know if that includes you?

Easy. Take the joke test. If you get it, it could be you. If you don’t get it, you have no sense of humour. So it could still be you.

A German man walks into a bar and says to the barman: “Two gin and tonics please.” “Dry sir? says the barman. “Nein. Zwei!” says the German.

Planted threats

The daft road signs keep on coming and Dumfries is emerging as an epicentre of daftness.

Ronnie Buchanan from Larkhall was driving in the town when he saw a sign pointing the way to a local tourist attraction.

It read: “Butterflies. Carnivorous Plants.” A 100yards later, the sign was repeated but this time the word “Butterflies” had been heavily scored out.

And Alasdair Ireland was taken aback when he was driving near Lochmaben and came across a home-made sign. “Your Satnav is wrong,” it said, “This is not the road to Dumfries. Turn Round!”

Road to rivalry

On the same subject, we suggested yesterday that it was only a matter of time before there was a sign over the motorway on the way into Edinburgh that read “You’ll have had your tea”.

One Edinburgher took offence to this. “How dare you,” he said, “and by the way, I take it you’ve had your tea?”

He then went on to suggest some words for the gantry sign for the M8 into Glasgow: “What you looking at?”

No Holiday

There’s nothing like Scottish hospitality. No really, there’s nothing like it.

Donald Grant from Paisley was down in Lockerbie last weekend for a cousin’s wedding and on arrival at the hotel, found a number of things that were not to his liking. He went to reception and made his complaints known to the manager who said that he would attend to them immediately.

As a parting shot, Donald said the faults were not the kind of thing he expected from a four-star Holiday Inn.

“Absolutely not sir,” said the manager. “This is a Best Western.”

Raising the woof

This week’s subject of songs our grannies sang prompted Heather Mackintosh from Glasgow to tell us about her gran who’d been trying to phone her while she was out. “I tried to phone you a few times today,” said her gran, “but I knew you were out because I couldn’t hear the dog barking.”

Take that advice ...

Tonight’s the night: 50,000 women – and five men who couldn’t think of an excuse quickly enough – all in Hampden to hear Take That sing their hits. Hits like Babe, Could It Be Magic, It Only Takes a Minute, and A Million Love Songs, which coincidentally is exactly what it will feel like if you live anywhere near the stadium.

Have fun girls, and tell us all about it tomorrow.