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Driven up the wall

WE asked about being forgetful, and Glen Elliot from Elgin recalls parking in an Inverness multi-storey car park and carefully noting they were beside a number 5 on the wall, next to a large pillar.

Says Glen: "On returning we located No. 5 and the large pillar, but no car. I summoned the car park attendant who looked at our parking ticket and said, 'First of all, you are on the wrong level. No. 5 is the speed limit on all floors and the large pillar is the same on all levels.'

"I found my car and promised to go by train next time."

More spelling blunders

OUR wild spelling story about "chester draws" reminds retired police sergeant Gerry MacKenzie: "At Saracen police office, I was checking a crime report submitted by a cop who got it back pronto for correction after listing the 'modus operandi' as 'removed from Chester Drawers whilst unattended'."

And Jim Gordon, while working at the former Centre 1 tax office, came across a chap in the hospitality industry who said he worked at the Skiing Doo hotel in Glasgow. "Winter Olympics for our feathered friends?" wonders Jim.

In the doghouse

A MILNGAVIE reader was watching his wife apply her make-up when she suddenly stopped and said: "My face has come out in a rash." She giggled and added: "I look just like a teenager again."

He now regrets replying: "That could explain the puppy fat then."

Time for a sharp X-it

FORMER X Factor winner James Arthur has fallen out with a few folk on Twitter, and yesterday posted: "I wish I was still poor and unknown."

"Give it a few months," someone replied.

Food for thought

A BOTHWELL reader muses: "Whenever a waiter asks if everything is okay with the meal, just minutes after serving it, I always start worrying that there must be something wrong with it he's not telling us."

Left without a prayer

WE asked for school punishments after the belt was banned, and Paul Cortopassi, of Bonnybridge, tells us: "Our exasperated principal teacher of RE had to circulate colleagues with a plea to stop asking pupils for multiple copies of the Lord's Prayer as a punishment as it rather made mockery of the message 'Forgive us our trespasses'."

A cardinal error

"THE Herald news headline 'Pope appoints Paisley bishop' must have raised a few eyebrows in Northern Ireland," says reader Iain Lowdon. "Great news for the ecumenical movement in the church. Who would have predicted that a few short years ago?"

Eating fumble pie

BAKERY firm Greggs still has a strong hold on the eating regimes of many a west of Scotland chap. As reader Steve Fraser explains it: "You stand in the queue admiring all the healthy salad options, low calorie juices, fruit, yoghurts, spring water, and when they shout 'Next!' for some unexplainable reason you spurt forth with 'a steahhk bake, a packet ah cheese an' onion, an' a can ah Irn-Bru'."

On the slippery slopes

POOR old Glasgow chap David Moyes at the helm of Manchester United. The jokes continue after the weekend draw against lowly Fulham. Said one observer: "David Moyes has been offered a job in Sochi as British Olympic bobsleigh coach. They admire his ability to get a team to go downhill really quickly."

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