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Every little helps

OUR Tesco stories remind Mungo Henning: "While dropping my car off at a back-street garage for some work, I bemoaned the fact that I had lost a hub cap and wondered where I could buy a single one, and not a set of four.

The mechanic suggested Tesco.

"My puzzled look was met by his following words, 'The car park, not the shop.'"

In her shoes

JANE Birkin, who helped many a chap cop off at the disco with her Serge Gainsbourg duet Je T'aime ... Moi Non Plus is making a rare appearance at The Arches in Glasgow on Tuesday to perform the songs of her late lover Serge.

We remember Jane explaining once how surprised she was at being a style icon. "I gave a pair of tennis shoes to an old lady. I took the shoelaces out because she had swollen feet and she said that would make her look like a tramp, so I took mine out too. The next thing I knew everyone was wearing tennis shoes with no laces."

So did anyone meet their partner through that song?

Hot delivery

AUTHOR Deedee Cuddihy was posting a birthday gift to her granddaughter in Brussels when the Post Office assistant handed out a leaflet on items banned from international mail. The chap behind her took a copy and read out: "Vodka, whisky, ammunition, cannabis, cocaine, fireworks, flares, flick knives and pepper spray. Where I come from that's got the makings of a right good party."

Mum's the word

MUSIC festival Celtic Connections is in full swing across Glasgow with the venues including Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum. Mike Ritchie was there to see ace Canadian band The Cowboy Junkies when a woman in the audience told her chum: "It's great to have a seat for more than two minutes. Most times I'm here chasing after the kids shouting, 'don't touch', 'do you need the loo?' and 'don't drop crisps.'"

Ball control

FITBA fans were discussing the Swansea ballboy kicked by a Chelsea player for holding onto the ball too long. One fan said: "I'm surprised Paul Lambert, the Aston Villa manager, hasn't signed the ballboy – he could do with someone who can hang onto the ball for more than five seconds."

Pie chart

WAYWARD ballboys are nothing new. Older Dumbarton fans tell us a ballboy was sent off in the 1950s when he disagreed with a ref's decision and managed to hit the official on the napper with a carefully aimed pie.

Sunny side up

OUR nostalgic tales of Milanda bread remind Cameron Munro of the amateur football team who called themselves AC Milanda. Says Cameron: "The joke was they preferred to play in the cold weather, as when it was hot they were toast."

Life's a beach

READER Colin Gordon feels it is a tad worrying that one of the supporters of The Scottish Tourism Alliance, an industry body advising the Scottish Government on how to attract tourists to Scotland, is the company Best Goa Hotels which is advertising on the tourism alliance's webpage. Marketing genius in the current weather, we reckon.

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