WATCHING your weight in the west of Scotland.
Donald Macdonald in Dumfries tells us his daughter Kathryn was shopping for clothes in Braehead Shopping Centre when she heard a woman in the next cubicle announce that the size 14 didn't fit her. So her pal told her: "Well you know whit that means. The diet starts the morra."
But the woman replied: "Naw, I'll just have to eat more so the size 16 fits better."
On a downer
DIVIDED views with the announcement that the Red Road flats will be blown up at the start of the Commonwealth Games with the audience watching it on a giant screen at Celtic Park. As one opponent put it: "Typical Scottish sales pitch to the world. Glasgow is so depressing we'll blow it up for the opening ceremony."
And in a Glasgow bar last night, someone who got the wrong end of the stick announced: "What a great idea. A large screen on Red Road flats, and blowing up Celtic Park is a real crowd pleaser."
Domino effect
AS we call time on our underage drinking stories, Gordon Hay in Livingston tells us he was DJing at the age of 16 in Inverness when he started going afterwards to the Haugh Bar where he was made welcome as they were a man short for the domino team.
Says Gordon: "After a few weeks as a regular, however, I was embarrassed when my Dad, who had got wind of where I was, arrived to howk me out. I remember him berating the barman for serving me and hearing the barman's plaintiff reply that they needed me for the dominoes that night."
Deck the hall
WE asked about daft radio chat and Drew Mackin recalls a chap from Muirkirk telephoning the Lou Grant Show on WestSound and being asked by Lou where he was calling from.
"The lobby," replied the chap.
Pressing times
OUR tale of Paul McCartney's drug conviction reminds former Daily Record chief reporter Gordon Airs of checking in at a Campbeltown hotel to cover the case at the local sheriff court. The hotel owner got quite excited at the media interest and asked if a well-known Daily Express reporter would also be attending.
"Why, are you a fan?" asked Gordon. "No, he owes me money," replied the hotelier.
The die is cast
PRONUNCIATION continued. Says Ian McLean: "When I taught in a Helensburgh school, I was startled to be told by a pupil that he would be leaving 'after our parents die!' I didn't know quite what to say until I realised that he was one of the school's many English students and he was referring to the upcoming parents' day."
Cruisin' for a bruisin'
WE end our Highlanders' Institute tales with Linda Owens in Kirkintilloch recalling: "On my only visit I went to the ladies' toilet and was amazed to see half bottles of whisky stuffed down the back of the toilet cisterns. I returned to the dance floor and my friend and I seemed to be very popular. However, I was soon to discover that the blokes liked to twirl newbies so their feet didn't touch the floor. Next day, I had the bruises on my arms to prove it. Never again."
Gym didn't fix it
A COLLEAGUE wanders over to tell us: "I had to cancel that gym membership I took out in the New Year. Just didn't workout."
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