AN expat in Dubai notes on the airline Emirates website, the rule:

"Pets are not permitted in the cabin, with the exception of falcons between Dubai and certain destinations in Pakistan."

Her pal asked: "Will Glaswegians feel at home on a flight if they hear someone asking, 'Hey, are you lookin' at ma burd?'"

Nun the wiser

SAD to hear of the death of journalist Hugh Farmer who sucessfully sued Billy Connolly after doorstepping the entertainer over a less than flattering story, and Connolly chose to throw a punch at Hugh rather than adopt the more usual "no comment".

John Burrowes in his book Great Glasgow Characters told of Pope John Paul's visit to Glasgow when Hugh helped out Father Tom Connelly in the Catholic Press Office in dealing with the deluge of journalist visitors.

Nuns and clerics who also helped in the office were frequently asked to tell the press that Tom and Hugh were in "The Chapel" if they wanted to meet them. This was Hugh and Tom's nickname for the pub beside the press office rather than a spiritual retreat, but they felt it was easier for the nuns to cope with rather than using the pub's name.

Open and shut case

A READER in Helensburgh thinks he knows what they mean when he spots a poster on the door of the recently opened Citizens Advice Bureau which alerts clients to the fact it will be closed later this month for its "Official Opening Day".

Last orders

TALKING of knowing what they mean, a reader in the village of Doune, Perthshire, tells us a regular in the local pub was having his ear worn away by the village bletherer who went on and on. Eventually the chap told him: "I'll get you a last one if you drink it with your mouth shut."

Alternative humour

LOOKING for humour in the referendum, we come across the book published on Kindle, The Fat Minister's Question Time, by Andrew and Iain Todd which answers some of the outstanding independence questions in a more tongue-in-cheek style. As an example, when asked "Will we get rid of Trident?" they answer: "Absolutely - it does nothing and costs millions. (Unlike the Scottish Parliament which does nothing, costs millions but at least keeps 129 MSPs off the streets at Christmas.)"

Funny old world

A READER feels the need to e-mail us: "I held a door open for a clown the other day.

"I thought it was a nice jester."

Dear, oh dear.

Facebooked

JOKES are regularly updated to express how technology is changing our lives. As a reader said yesterday: "I was stopped by the police driving home from the pub the other night. 'Do you know why I was following you?' one of the officers asked me.

"'Because my tweets are funny?' I asked hopefully."

Ayr we go

OUR suggestion of a combined Chinese Burns Night as the Chinese New Year is just a few days away brings the suggestion from Jimmy Manson in Ayr that the entertainment could include the Burns song "There was Aladdin born in Kyle."