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Getting lippy

IT can be embarrassing taking your bored husband shopping with you.

A reader heard one such chap observe rather too loudly in a Glasgow department store: "I know the girls on the make-up counters get free samples. But surely they don't have to use them all at once?"

Feeling the pinch?

AND a reader shopping for clothes in Glasgow heard a young girl say to her pal who was trying on a dress: "I know it's expensive. But if you buy the dress you won't have any money left for food – so you'll find it easier to fit in your new clothes."

Wispful thinking?

SCOTLAND'S Cardinal Keith O'Brien has resigned and will no longer be attending the conclave to elect a new pope. BBC reporter James Cook must have had this in mind when he tweeted yesterday: "No answer at the home of Cardinal Keith O'Brien in Edinburgh this morning, although smoke is rising from the chimney."

Bold and Brave

THE Oscars saw Mark Andrews, director of Scottish-themed Brave, wear a kilt to collect his statuette, which had people wondering if this was the first Oscar-winning kilt wearer. We liked Mark's sense of humour when he was asked if Brave was the first animated Disney film with male nudity.

"No," replied Mark. "In Ratatouille they weren't wearing anything," referring of course to the film about Parisian rats.

And reader Jimmy Manson in Ayr might have misheard when Ben Affleck won an Oscar for Argo. Said Jimmy: "Did Ben pick up his Argos Oscar at collection point B?"

No Marks?

OUR tales of wine remind Willie Bennie in Lanarkshire's Glenmavis: "Marks & Spencer opened a food outlet in Coatbridge just before Christmas. I was taking advantage of their two can dine for a tenner offer which includes a bottle of wine, and was standing next to a young couple. The girl asked her partner what kind of wine he fancied and he replied: 'Have they no' got any Buckie?'"

Life choices

WE mentioned the heart patient who suggested shoplifting to make his heart beat faster. David Macleod in Lenzie recalls comedian Jo Brand discussing attempts to lose weight and stating: "My doctor told me to take up a regular activity that would get me slightly short of breath. So I started smoking."

Pregnant pause

A READER swears that a woman in a West End coffee shop told her pal: "This is definitely the last time I'm getting pregnant. It takes all the fun out of drinking."

Horse sense

YES, the horses in burgers gags have been going on a bit too long. As reader Bill Cassidy puts it: "I don't know about you, but I can't take any mare of those horse jokes.

"Having said that, I once backed a horse at 10-1, and it didn't finish till a quarter to two. "

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