READER Murdoch McGregor was in Alloa when he heard a young woman shout across the street to a pal: "Beaver's coming hame on Friday."

Thought Murdoch: "Nice. Maybe one of our heroes is coming home from Afghanistan.

"However my patriotic notion was soon put to rest with her next shout for the whole street to hear, 'Aye, he's getting oot oan a tag!'"

Barking up the wrong tree

AND Andrew Murray in Greenock was on the train to Glasgow when a young Polish mum started chatting to her wee boy, aged about three, in her native tongue.

"That's amazin'," said the woman sitting behind Andrew. "That wean can understaun' that language."

The astonished woman's pal, hopefully with a touch of irony in her voice, replied: "That's nuthin'. When ah wis in Benidorm a' the dugs could understaun' Spanish."

Biting comment

AH the universal problem of fathers having to cope with what their teenage daughters wear on a night out. One Giffnock father admits that when his daughter came downstairs recently he couldn't stop himself asking: "Are you a vampire?"

When the puzzled girl answered in the negative, he added: "I just assumed you couldn't see your reflection in a mirror."

Name blame

THE list of names Scottish parents gave their children this year makes Scott Macintosh in Killearn ponder: "I trust that Caledonia's parents are not Mr and Mrs MacBrayne, Isla is not the offspring of the Harris family, River's folks are not called Forth, Logan is not the son of the Berrys, Poppy is not the daughter of Mr and Mrs Day, and pity Diesel if his mum and dad are the Lawries."

Time, gentlemen, please

IN our young reporting days we were impressed by the laid-back attitude of the bar officers who controlled the masses attending Glasgow Sheriff Court.

Our view is backed by retired sheriff Irvine Smith in his autobiography, Law, Life and Laughter, in which bar officer Ian Wilson, a retired police inspector, took no snash from the miscreants attending court.

Writes Smith: "I recall one of them approaching Ian Wilson, looking up at him and with a smirk saying, 'Hey Jimmy! What time is it?'

"Ian stopped, looked down at him and asked, 'How did you know my name was Jimmy?'

"To which the individual replied, 'I just guessed it.'

"'Well,' said Ian as we went on our way. 'Just guess the time.'"

Well versed

SCOTTISH author Des Dillon has published a book of haikus – poems of 17 syllables arranged in three lines of five, seven, and five – with the title Scunnered. We like the haiku entitled Scottish Village:

You'll be accepted

when they feel they know you well

enough to hate you.

Anyone care to take up the Diary challenge of composing a humorous haiku about Scottish life?