AT last - an ingenious method of dealing with people who insist on conducting loud phone conversations on trains.

Cormac Mac Crann, a reader of an English national newspaper, has detailed just such an encounter on the London-to-Birmingham train.

A passenger in the seat in front was talking into her phone in an irritatingly loud voice, and at one point she unwisely gave out her phone number.

Our hero, seizing the moment, scribbled down the number then sent the woman a text, asking if she always shouted down the phone.

"It all went very quiet after that," Cormac reports with some satisfaction, "and I was able to pursue my paper in peace."

WHO says that Christmas cards necessarily have to be traditional? Robert Aitken alerts us to the card he received from his factor, Cathcart Housing Association. It shows a boarded-up Holmlea School. The snow's a nice seasonal touch, though.

IN the words of one of our correspondents, our festive film competition - change one letter of a film title to come up with a new title - is "addictive." Here are some more:

From Jim McQueen: Brighton Jock (Holidaying Glaswegian goes on a crime spree)

Drainspotting (Glasgow rainfall proves a problem)

Dial X For Murder (dyslexic Glasgow cop fails to solve crimes).

From Frank Bendoris: The Third Can (Teenage neds boast about their alcohol intake)

From Ian Anderson: Revel Without A Cause (Christmas sweets lie unopened in favour of New Year diet regime)

From Blair Miller: Get Shirty (irate customer discovers a way to get complaints answered)

From John Mulholland: Desperately Peeking Susan (a little girl tries hard to catch a glimpse of Santa delivering her presents).

KEN Nicholson, meanwhile, sends in a provocative entry: The Loneliness of The Long-Distance Punner - the tragic biopic of a Herald Diarist. We're not sure about this one: who could possibly play Ken Smith? (Suggestions on a postcard to the usual address).

A QUIRKY piece of news from China, where a man obsessed with stealing lingerie belonging to his female neighbours has been arrested.

The man was found to have stolen 2,000 items and hidden them in a secret place in the suspended ceiling of his flat. When he filled up that space, he used ceiling cavities in the communal fire-escape stairwells to stash other items he had stolen.

The reason his crime came to light? Simple: his ceiling collapsed under the weight of all that lingerie.

ON a Christmas theme (we do our level best to be topical on the Diary), we liked this recent festive tweet from a woman in Dublin: "The postman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014."

AND finally ... comedian Milton Jones has tweeted that he has finally discovered what Victoria's Secret is. Turns out it's a massive bus station. A Merry Christmas to all Diary readers.