SCOTS are still jetting off on their holidays.

Scott Barclay was at a Glasgow Airport food outlet at six in the morning when the Glaswegian holidaymaker in front asked: "Gies a roll 'n' bacon, egg and a potato scone."

"Sorry we have run out of rolls - we only have croissants left."

"Just stick it on a croissant then".

"Would you like a drink with that?"

"Aye, gies a mojito," says the bold lad.

"How very international," thinks Scott.

Foul...

POLITICS, and an English reader phones to tell us: "Although the Ukip party now accepts that bongo bongo land doesn't actually exist, I bet you it's still above Scotland in the FIFA world rankings."

Being dated

OUR story about dating reminds Michael McGinley of being technologically challenged in a west end of Glasgow coffee shop when he was told he could pay using his smartphone. Michael replied he didn't know how to. He says: "The young man serving replied that he too has been described as being old-fashioned recently. He had just gone on a date with someone whom he had not met online - a phenomenon that his friends found extremely unusual. The encounter was beautifully described by them as a 'flesh meet'/ "

Fine way to talk

FORMER Dundee United star Ralph Milne had criminal charges dropped against him this week.

Reader Mike Ritchie recalls when Milne was regularly fined by then United boss Jim McLean for various infringements. Milne disclosed in his autobiography that he eventually said to McLean: "Hey, boss, see now that we've won the league, any chance I can get all my fines back? I've seen a house in the Ferry that I want to pay cash for."

While his team mates were in fits, McLean's reply cannot be repeated in a family newspaper.

Current advice

A HOUSEWIFE confesses to us she decided to have some fun with a cold caller who offered a cheaper electricity tariff. She confused the chap mightily by telling him: "Oh no, I like the electricity we get. I wouldn't want a cheaper version. We don't like buying cheap versions in the Mearns."

No Busby babe

ACTOR John Cairney, speaking at the launch of his Edinburgh Festival Fringe art exhibition The Nine Lives of Burns in the Royal Over-Seas League, revealed that his mother had once been courted by Manchester United legend Sir Matt Busby. When asked why she didn't marry him, she would say: "He was a rubbish dancer."

For a tenner?

"MY wife says I'm unsophisticated and uncultured," said the chap in the Glasgow pub. "So to prove her wrong, guess where I'm taking her? I'll give you a hint - it starts with 'B' and rhymes with 'wallet'."