THE Clyde-built Queen Mary liner, now berthed at Long Beach, California, has just held its annual Scottish Highland Games.

Reader Russell Kerr sends us the story from the local Long Beach Bulletin newspaper which describes the Highland Games, then adds: "The Queen Mary itself has a robust Scottish history. It was built 83 years ago at a small seaside town in Scotland called Clydebank."

Goodness, we hope that doesn't send too many American visitors to Clydebank in their trunks carrying buckets and spades.

Note of concern

COMEDIAN John Bishop, who has appeared frequently on the TV show Live at the Apollo, is doing two nights at Glasgow's Hydro this year when he goes on tour. A reader, perhaps not a fan, phones the Diary: "They say if you come from Liverpool you're either a musician or a comedian.

"John Bishop must be some musician then."

Mopping up

FLOODING is still affecting the ­ south-east of England. Even there, it seems, when a river overflows the banks are getting blamed for that as well. And Bryce Drummond in Kilmarnock hears a political commentator on the news explain that extra Government funds for the area had come from contingency reserves which had been kept "for a rainy day."

Quite.

Pound land

SCOTTISH currency continued. Arthur Frame in Lanark suggests that, if we can't have the pound sterling we should have the pound Stirling, which would have the benefit of reminding Westminster of Bannockburn, assuming their knowledge of history was up to scratch.

Charlie Neill in Pollokshields suggests the Scottish currency should be the Jimmy. It allows him to come up with the groanworthy comment: "Assuming most would be made from copper we could then have the Cu Jimmy."

But as James Doleman crisply warns: "We don't get the pound, we don't take our weather back."

Browned off

TALKING posh in shops: Eric Hudson in Bearsden says he was in a wee newsagents in town just before Christmas one year when he heard the posh woman in front of him ask: "Do you have a copy of the Browns' Book, please?"

On a plate

MORE on forgetfulness with Bill Garven telling us he was in a car park beside his Honda Civic when he pressed the remote control on his key, and a car at the other end of the car park beeped its horn and flashed its lights in response. Says Bill: "Striding purposefully towards the other car, already making up my letter of complaint to Honda and simply to take a note of the car registration number, imagine my surprise to discover it had the same registration plate as my own."

Spelling it out

OUTRAGEOUS spelling mistakes, and Tom Bradshaw in Bellshill recalls: "Many years ago I came across a pupil who entered a piece of graffiti on the cover of his history jotter: '1690 - Remember the Boing'."

Real drive

DAFT gag from the weekend. A chap in his eighties goes to his doc and says he wants his sex drive lowered. "At your age, it's all in your head," the doctor told him.

"Exactly," replied the chap.