WE were talking to meat supplier John Sword who swears to us that a Glasgow butcher shop was broken into one Friday night with almost all of the stock taken.

The butcher was behind the counter the next day when a wee wummin came in and asked what the matter was. He explained about the theft, then added: "But enough of my worries. I've still got one or two things left. Do you want some chicken?"

"Just leave it son," she replied. "Ma man will get it half price in the pub later."

We'll drink to that

IT can be grim going through passport control in a foreign airport where sullen-faced officials stare at you before haughtily deciding if you can progress. Slightly different at Glasgow Airport, it seems, where an Australian visitor said she was asked at passport control how long she was visiting. When she said only a week, the passport chap looked surprised, so she added she was then flying on to Iceland.

"Better buy your booze here and take it with you. Some price in Iceland," he replied, before handing back her passport and waving her through.

The mane chancer

TALKING of airports, a reader says he was going through Dublin Airport when a member of the security personnel in the usual yellow high-viz jacket called over to a chap with long hair who had his back to him: "This way miss." When the passenger turned round and the security bloke realised it was a male passenger he merely told him: "Ah, I'm sure you've been called worse."

Pot, kettle, black

LABOUR MP Jim Murphy is in the news for being hit by an egg while standing on a street corner campaigning for a No vote in the referendum. Reader Carol Mackenzie was at one of Jim's street corner debates when he told a voluble heckler: "Who do you think you are, standing in the street, shouting at people?"

Which is what Carol thought Jim was doing.

No fool like an old fuel

GROWING old continued. A senior citizen was telling his pals in Glasgow the other day: "I thought I had a good memory until you get to the front of the queue and are asked what petrol pump you've just used."

Coffin bodger

RONY Bridges, who was putting on his play Six And A Tanner at Webster's Theatre, in Great Western Road, Glasgow, had collected a coffin from the BBC props depot in Maryhill to deliver to the theatre. Says Rony: "It was half hanging out the back of my car when a police car pulled up beside me. 'Are you looking for the crematorium Sir? Just follow me' said the officer."

Rony is hoping the chap was just winding him up.

Table agenda

BUSINESS meetings - not everyone is convinced they are worthwhile. A Glasgow reader tells us he asked a colleague how a meeting he had attended had gone, and the chap gave him the memorable reply: "I spent the whole meeting wondering how they got such a large conference table through the door into the room."

Dieter at large

A MILNGAVIE reader says she and her pals were discussing diets when one of her pals declared: "I'm so fed up with diets I now find it easier just to stand beside people who are bigger than me."