SCOTTISH Farmer magazine has added items of underwear to its online shop, and says the new range has proved popular with readers.

None more so than with one lady in the Borders who, the mag says, has ordered three pairs of knickers - each with the name of a different man embroidered on them.

ANOTHER anecdote from Alex Norton's book, There's Been a Life. Before becoming DCI Burke in Taggart, Alex had a role as a killer who chopped up his victims with a knife. Years later, during a night-shoot outside a gay nightclub in Glasgow, he was spotted by a couple, one dressed in a suit, the other more flamboyantly in the manner of Carmen Miranda.

The straight-looking one pointed at Alex and said: "See that guy ower there? He wiz the butcher in Taggart."

Observed Carmen Miranda: "Butcher? *****, ah've seen a lot butcher than him ..."

WE spotted this photo on George (Mr Sulu) Takei's Facebook page. "Does it come with a matching undresser?" he asks.

CHRISTMAS may be over but our festive film competition still has legs. (You might give some thought as to whether you're dragging this out a little - Peevish Ed.)

Among the latest entries:

Bill Bill - a legal drama featuring lawyers doing what they do best (allegedly!), from Alex Johnston

Snacks on a Plane - budget airline gets the message, from Carl Williamson. (Technically, Carl has done more than simply change one word in the original title, but we're happy to overlook this).

And some late suggestions from Ron Cairnduff:

Shallow Gravy.....disaster at the Xmas dinner table

The Beer Hunter...one man's mission after vital supplies run out

The Molar Express....the fastest toothbrush ever.

BRIAN Lister brought a smile to the Diary's cracked and aged features with his entry: Mulder on the Orient Express - in which Scully is left standing on the platform at Glasgow Central.

He also ventured Stair Wars - a Glasgow tale of mystery, intrigue and a right royal rammy about whose turn it is to clean the close. As with Carl above, Brian did more than simply change a letter, but it would be petty of us to exclude it on these grounds.

BILL Matthews has embarked on a flight of fancy with his entry.

Pie Hard.... A football spectator named McClane is struck by a frozen meat and pastry missile hurled from opposition fans' section.

Pie Hard With a Vengeance.....He sends it back with increased velocity.

Presumably there's a link with the 007 movies Pie Another Day, Tomorrow Never Pies and Live and Let Pie.

ALL of which is as nothing when set next to Danny McDonald's ambitious entry, reprinted here in its entirety:

"Germs of Endearment - in which biological weapons are used to make love, not war, leading to global harmony which we contrary Scots then go and ruffle a bit by launching our own currency and declaring UDI in The Groat Escape, leading to nationwide celebrations (well, by at least 45% of us) documented in Independence Yay."