No clutch control

Ken Smith

Diary Editor

Tuesday 22 November 2011

CHRISTMAS shopping has begun, which means men venturing into shops they don't normally frequent.

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Ken Smith

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A reader tells us she was in one Glasgow store when a chap asked if they had any “crotch bags”. The assistant, trying to help the chap out, asked: “Do you not mean ‘clutch bags’?”

Sadly the chap didn’t grab the helpline thrown at him, and instead ploughed on: “ What? Is that a bag for a car?”Rooing the daySTAG nights just get further and further away. A Bearsden reader on business in Vienna was in his hotel lift with a bunch of English chaps celebrating the forthcoming nuptials of one of the party when the chap getting married was dared to ask the receptionist a stupid question.Our reader, who holds no truck with wasting receptionists’ time, nevertheless thought the question was inspired. He hung back long enough to hear the groom ask: “This is our first trip to Austria. Where do we see the kangaroos?”Not so mobileOUR tale of early mobile phones being the size of substantial bricks reminds Gordon Casely in Aberdeenshire: “My first mobile was a company half-brick that nearly broke my left arm when I was making calls. “In those pre-historic days of 1991, you could still phone while driving. That was the good news. “The bad news was that I always had to ensure that the road ahead was clear of buses and lorries. If one of them passed you during a call, it blocked off the signal and ended the conversation pronto.”Cheque pointCHEQUES continued. Ian McSwan in Bothwell recalls the pub in Airdrie that had a prominent sign stating:”We have an arrangement with the local bank. They don’t serve beer, and in exchange, we don’t cash cheques.”Common touchGALES of laughter in a west end bar recently when a group of women were discussing what they had in common with their husbands. One of the ladies was a bit stumped until all she could finally come out with was: “We got married on the same day.”In loo of noticeOUR love of Australian vernacular is shared by Dr J. Forster in Greenock who, knowing that Ozzies call their loos “dunnies” spots a plumber’s van in Western Australia which was emblazened with the legend “Oh dunny boy, the pipes are calling”.Frayed nerves?THE news that Scottish soup company Baxter’s has bought pie company Fray Bentos makes George Stoddart in Kilmacolm wonder: “Is there any truth that the town of Fray Bentos in Uruguay will now change its name to Frae Scotland?”Fast reactorNEWS of the scientific experiment that made neutrinos travel faster than light allows David Edelman to tell a rare physics joke – we never tire of them.Here goes: “We don’t serve faster than light neutrinos in here’, said the barman. A neutrino walks into a bar.”

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