WE asked for your stories from royal visits, and George Smith in Clydebank tells us:

"Whenever a royal party arrived at the former Riverside railway station to launch a ship at John Brown's yard, the palings which were visible from the train were painted. The other side of the fence, which was invisible to the guests, was left dirty and unpainted."

As one door opens...

AND Allan Macintyre in Stirling tells us about the newly-crowned Queen's whistlestop visit to Troon in 1953. "The locals were pleased to see, at long last, a door fitted to the Gents' toilet on the platform of the railway station, which would conceal the white tiled walls.

"The Queen duly arrived, alighted to spend five minutes greeting the Provost, waved, and hopped back on the train for her next appointment. As the train disappeared, the workmen appeared to remove the door."

Pass marks

WE mentioned Farmer Kelly at St Mungo's Academy, and Dave Hill recalls: "He wasn't headmaster but head of History. He used to wear a deerstalker hat and a trench coat buttoned up to the neck with a sprig of heather pinned on it.

"At one point he belted all in my class (4A, 1957) who had failed the History exam, and then belted the rest of us who had passed, for cheating."

Kicking off

BIT of a stushie in Amsterdam with Celtic fans arrested for violent attacks. One Celtic fan tried to defend his fellow fans by declaring: "I saw a Celtic fan get arrested in Dam Square for kicking a ball high into the air. How we've been treated is a joke."

But another fan told him: "None of the players would have been arrested then - they never kicked a ball the whole game."

Holding pattern

INDIA has launched its first rocket to Mars. As a reader tells us: "Can you imagine the message being sent, 'Mumbai we have a problem' and the reply, 'Please hold...your call is important to us'."

Cash for questions

CHILDREN are growing up so quickly. A reader was stunned when she asked her eight-year-old son what he would like for his birthday, and he replied: "What's your budget?"

Rapid response

ANDY Bryson in Ardrossan was using his supermarket self-service check-out when the thought struck him: "Would the commander of a submarine leaving Her Majesty's Naval Base, Clyde, after a re-fit hear the message, 'Thank you for using the Faslane'."

The history man

NORMAN Ferguson's just-published book If History Was Scottish envisages what historic events would be like if seen through Caledonian eyes.

His suggestions include:

"Did I hear right, there's free tablet going?" Moses.

"Genius is 1% inspiration, 99% sweaty oxters." Thomas Edison.

"And if all your friends drove off the pier would you do so,too?" Ted Kennedy's mother.

Any other suggestions? A copy of Norman's book for the best.