A BEARSDEN reader always thought his teenage daughter was a bit of a drama queen when she went on about the most minor of ailments.

This was confirmed to him when she came downstairs, clutching her left side and saying she was in so much pain she thought she had appendicitis.

When he gently pointed out that the appendix is on the right, she exclaimed: "No wonder it's so sore! My appendix is on the wrong side."

Wheelie cheeky

A CHAP at a Glasgow golf club told his pals: "The council has written to me saying that the wheelie bins should be placed at the kerb with the handles towards the street, and the lid closed.

"So I wrote back asking that once they are emptied could they be placed slap bang in the middle of the driveway or two doors down from where I live. And to give them their due, they've followed my instructions to the letter."

Sticking point

GOODNESS, the odd sights you see in Glasgow. A reader tells us: "I met a woman coming out of a shop in Shawlands with a postage stamp stuck to her chin. Wishing to save her embarrassment, I pointed this out to her. Quite irritated she replied: 'I know. I'm going to the post office'."

I'll drink to that

WE mentioned the STUC's Women's Conference in Dundee, and Deedee Cuddihy who was there says she was at the Pensioners' Forum stall which was giving away bottle openers. "I wondered aloud," says Deedee, "why pensioners would need bottle openers, and the conference-goer behind me suggested: 'Because they can't use their teeth?'"

Crunch time

LIZ Connolly, vice-principal of West College Scotland - it's the old Clydebank, Reid Kerr and James Watt colleges - has just returned from helping to build a library in Cambodia with the charity Action Aid. While laying bricks she was handed a plate of beef, and after finishing it she asked what the crispy breadcrumb-style coating was.

"Red ants," she was told. So Liz will not be easily impressed by the food trials on I'm A Celebrity when it returns to the telly on Sunday.

Norse code

ROYAL visits continued. Says Margaret Brown in Bonnyrigg: "Many years ago King Olaf of Norway was on a state visit to Edinburgh and the local schools were getting the afternoon off to see the procession. My mother worked as a dinner lady, and one of the children told her they were very excited because they were going to see King Half-loaf."

And our story about the cleansing department gritter getting a big cheer before the Queen arrived at Glasgow Cathedral reminds Clare Taylor: "The reason it got such a cheer was that the driver shouted out 'she's in the back' as he entered Cathedral Square before the Queen's expected arrival."

Age-old problem

PRINCE Charles was 65 yesterday. A reader tells us: "Charles was in the kitchen making Camilla a cup of tea when he shouted through to her: 'Where's the tea strainer?' She shouted back: 'It's his day off'."

Lord ha-ha

WE finish our historical quotes seen through Scottish eyes with:

Nelson on the Clyde after independence: "I see no ships" (Bruce Skivington).

King James IV on the eve of the battle of Flodden: "Aye, right, you and whit army?" (Jim Black).