RUGBY ref Ed Crozier was in charge of a charity game at Cartha Queens Park the other day to raise funds for the Prince and Princess of Wales Hospice in Glasgow.

With the players not being in the first flush of youth by many a decade. former West of Scotland captain John Lonergan looked at the approaching rainclouds and told Ed: "That'll frighten the Kiwi."

Ed replied that he didn't know there were any New Zealanders playing that day, but John merely nodded towards a fellow player with a suspiciously dark head of hair for his age and said: "No, the Kiwi polish that'll run down from his hair if it gets wet."

Clean pair of heels

WE mentioned First World Problems and a South Side reader tells us: "I once heard a woman moan that she had to keep moving around her house in order to avoid her cleaner."

Green fingers

THE BARRAS market continued. A reader reminds us of the shopper thinking of buying a plant for her mother who asked what the "money back guarantee" pinned to the stall entailed.

"If you're deid before the plant, I'll give you your money back," said the stallholder.

That's plenty

A READER swears to us that he heard a middle-aged chap chatting up a woman in a West End bar at the weekend who told her: "I used to be in a band called Been There Done That.

"You probably wore one of our T-shirts," he added.

Chill out, grandad

A BISHOPBRIGGS grandfather was taken aback when his granddaughter, watching the popular animated film Frozen on the telly, suddenly announced "I want a figure of Anna or else!" He was trying to remonstrate with her about making such demands when his daughter gently explained to him that the main characters in the film were Anna and Elsa.

Train of thought

JIM Nicol from Lenzie was on a train out of Central Station when two women rushed on at the last minute, and when the train left, they had doubts about whether they had caught the right one. "Excuse me mister, does this train go to Crookston?" asked one. When the answer was in the negative her pal opined optimistically: "Och we'll be alright. Maybe it'll slow doon."

Against the grain

WE wish Celtic legend Danny McGrain all the best after he suffered a mild heart attack. Friend and former colleague Chick Young, normally a sports reporter, of course, was once hired to MC the opening of a housing development by Australian chanteuse Dannii Minogue. Chick couldn't overcome his years of experience and instead boomed out over the microphone as the elfin-like singer climbed onto the podium: "Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together and give a warm welcome to Danny McGrain!"

Aye, right

WE asked what slogan would be on the Scotland team bus if we were at the World Cup. David McCall suggested the rather fatalistic: "Mibees aye, probably no."

But we prefer Sam Hornell's suggestion of the Ally McLeod quote from en route to Argentina when a journalist asked: "What do you plan to do after the World Cup?" MacLeod replied: "Retain it."