HOW do you deal with cold callers on your phone?

Gus Furrie in East Kilbride answered one such call and, when the caller asked for Mr Furrie, quickly said he wasn't in.

Undeterred, the caller asked who he was speaking to and Gus replied: "Oh just a burglar who's stealing from the house" and hung up.

Six weeks later he answered the phone and again says to the unknown caller that Mr Furrie wasn't in. "You must be the burglar then," said the chap on the phone.

Sharp observation

TOUR guides continued. Says John Brunton in Llandudno: "On a tour of Belfast, the guide pointed to a restaurant explaining that it was owned by celebrity chef Paul Rankin, whom he described to those not familiar with the name as, 'famous chef, long hair, and a big knife'.

"He then said that should you be out on the town that evening and meet someone with long hair and a big knife, not to assume that it was Paul Rankin."

Tour with a twist

AND Alan Barlow in Paisley recalls: "I was on a bus tour taking in the Yorkshire Dales. The driver pointed out many fine features of this lovely landscape. On our return to Glasgow we had to turn off for Hamilton, where our driver, from the area, pointed out some fine houses owned by local drug dealers and criminals. Good warm feeling to be back home."

High alert

MARK Nelson tells us: "Police Scotland has described policing the upcoming Commonwealth Games as being like 15 T in the Parks at once. But with slightly more folk in tracksuits on drugs presumably."

Novel idea

CHATTING to Glasgow writer Meg Henderson, who remarks that fellow author Fay Weldon once told her that she had mentioned a certain brand of Champagne in one of her books and next thing she knew, a case of it was delivered to her with the company's compliments. Added Meg: "So I mentioned Harley Davidson motorbikes in my next book and waited. Zilch."

Method in madness

CODED letters sent from Colditz during the war by Glasgow dentist Captain Julius Green are being sold by auction house Bonhams next month. At great risk, Captain Green gathered information about German troop movements even though he was a prisoner, and sent it back using a code in letters to his parents.

We once read that he also tried to escape by feigning insanity in the hope of being repatriated on medical grounds.

His trick was not to pretend he was deranged but to turn up at hearings neatly dressed, outwardly calm, and insisting that he was perfectly sane - but that everyone else in the camp was mad.

The German doctors agreed to the repatriation but the commandant blocked it.

Taking credit

FAVOURITE Facebook posting we saw yesterday: "I will be posting telepathically today.

"So if you think of something funny, that was me."

Matching accounts

GREAT game of football between Scotland and Nigeria this week. Reader William Sharp says: "I understand that after the match, instead of the traditional swopping of jerseys, the Nigerian team suggested that the players should swap bank details and phone numbers so that the Scotland players could keep in touch."