COMEDIAN Ben Verth in Edinburgh swears to us, and who are we to doubt him, that he saw a neddish looking young man at a supermarket check-out in the capital being asked by the automatic self-service machine:

"Have you swiped your Nectar card?" and the young man defensively replying out loud: "Naw, I got it legally."

The Don't Knows have it

WE also have to believe the lecturer at the University of the West of Scotland who tells us: "A colleague was berating students on the standard of their assessment submissions. To the assembled throng in the lecture theatre he raged, 'I do not know if it is ignorance or apathy'. A voice from the back rows retorted, 'I don't know, and I don't care'."

From scenes like these

HAVE you noticed how religion is rapidly disappearing from Christmas? Try to find a religious Christmas card for instance. Anyway, Norman Brown in Barassie tells us of a friend going into a Christmas shop in Troon and asking for a nativity scene featuring a crib. The assistant told her: "Sorry, we only sell Christmas products."

The yoke is on you

HOWEVER, some things do make you smile at this time of year. Blair Miller in Clarkston tells us: "A lovely moment in Glasgow's Union Street during the hurly burly of Christmas shopping - a young lady shouting to her pal, 'Order me ma breakfast, and goany break ma yoke fur me'."

Handles to manual

OUR mention of airline pilots' pronouncements reminds Patricia Watson: "I had a colleague whose husband was a pilot with Loganair. He said that one of the captains used to say, 'We apologise for the delay. The machine used to remove the handles from your luggage has broken down and the baggage handlers have had to do it manually'."

Ray of sunshine

THE variety of names that we now give children was brought home to Andy Cumming when a woman near him in a Glasgow south-side shop shouted out loudly: "Where are you, Summer?" and just when he was thinking that the poor woman was bemoaning the poor weather outside, a young girl made her way over to her. Andy just wishes he had been smart enough to shout out: "Summer's just around the corner," in order to complete the seasonal discourse.

Hate match

FOOTBALL pundits that annoy you, continued.

John Maidment wonders if football managers are secret cannibals as they are always saying "the boy done well", and Stewart MacKenzie in Newlands, Glasgow, says: "My pet hate is when the commentator says that the team is 'asking questions' of the other. If that was true, how did David Beckham do so well?"

Politically correct

LONDON Mayor Boris Johnson in a recent speech wondered what the country should do with the 16% of the population who had an IQ below 85. A political contact phones to tell us: "Do what we always do - send many of them into politics."

Blood relatives

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to tell us: "My parents went on and on about the sacrifices they had to make for me.

"But I didn't ask them to be Satanists."