Key questions

WE can become a tad forgetful as we get older. A Milngavie pensioner parked his car in the car park behind the King's Theatre in Glasgow, and had to jump out to check he was within the parking bay. Anyway, after attending a play at the theatre for three hours he couldn't find his car keys - he even got the assistant to check the row with her torch.
He then headed back to his car thinking he may have dropped the keys, and there they were in the ignition - with the engine still running. Any more embarrassing moments?

Wrong lines
WE asked about school punishments after the belt was banned, and Angela Simms recalls: "I was a teacher then in Possilpark. As the phasing out of corporal punishment was introduced I told a fourth-year boy, who had been carrying on, that he had the choice of either writing 100 lines or writing a story about what he could do to behave better in class. He thought about these choices for a minute then said, 'Aw, miss, gonnae just gie us the belt? If ah go hame wi' lines, ma da will only hit me onyway fur getting them'."
 
Good buy
YES, St Valentine's Day this Friday. A chap in a Glasgow pub told his pals that last year he sent his wife a bunch of flowers with the message: "Thanks for putting up with me so long." It caused some consternation when they arrived as the flower shop had actually put on the card "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."

On the rack
AND the traditional gag for St Valentine's Day is the Glaswegian who declared: "My wife's been leaving magazines around the house left open with adverts for jewellery circled. So I've taken the hint - it's a magazine rack for her on Valentine's Day."

Elevated thoughts
WE also heard about the chaps in the pub who were discussing which glamorous film star they would  like to be stuck in a lift with. The less romantic among them answered:
"The one who knows a bit about lift engineering."

Furnishing explanation
SCHOOL spelling howlers continued. Says Roy Henderson in Blairgowrie: "During a lesson on descriptive writing, one of my younger pupils had me initially puzzling over an item of furniture in her room called the Chester Draws. Ever since then, the similar piece of furniture in our own bedroom has been called Chester."
 
Let's face it
"Facebook was 10 years old last week," a reader tells us. "It seems like only yesterday that I had a life."

It's in the bag
THE HERALD story about Ayrshire councillors accepting lavish hospitality from mining companies has reader Brian Chrystal recalling: "I'm sure there could be no possible connection in real life, but I'm reminded of the question, what's the difference between a local councillor and a supermarket trolley? Answer - the trolley has more of a mind of its own, but you can't get nearly as much food and booze into it."

Away with the birds
READERS have been giving their views on what should be Scotland's national bird. Peter McMahon in Kirkintilloch comments: "My wife said that the only bird that can be considered as Scotland's national bird is the Kentucky Fried Chicken."