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Time gentlemen, please

SPOTTED in the daily calendar of events of the Corstorphine Trust, at Edinburgh's Corstorphine Heritage Centre.

7pm: Alcoholics Anonymous.

7.30pm: Wine-Maker's Circle.

Thanks to Norman Ferguson for this one.

Clogged streets

A FRIEND of ours, currently working in Amsterdam, is fond of the city but complains that his sleep is forever being broken by the early-morning joggers. Something, apparently, to do with their noisy wooden training shoes ...

Farewell wedding playlist

MIKE Ritchie alerts us to American singer/songwriter Alela Diane's latest CD, About Farewell, which, according to the americana-uk website, is a "break-up album".

The songs are, the site declares, "a devastating epic of love, nostalgia and pain, dealing with Diane's recent divorce while exploring her entire last decade of relationships with honesty and insight." Pithily, the reviewer adds: "Maybe not one for the wedding disco, then."

Letter from Africa

DEPARTMENT of You Couldn't Make It Up. Tim Walker's better half was in a hairdresser's in Glasgow city centre when the conversation turned to holidays.

The young woman cutting his wife's hair spoke enthusiastically of her favourite holiday hotspot, Marmaris, in Turkey. The destination she would most like to visit, however, was "that place in Africa that begins with the letter C".

There was a pause. "Cape Town?" volunteered Tim's wife at length.

"Nah," came the reply. "No' that place … oh, ah remember noo …Tunisia."

Stricky end to dogs' tale

WE liked a joke on Facebook yesterday, courtesy of another friend of ours.

Bloke takes two stuffed dogs onto the Antiques Roadshow. The presenter examines them and says: "Well,this is a very rare set produced by a celebrated company of taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

The bloke gives it some thought. "Sticks?" he asks.

Maria's in the thick of it

TRENCHANT little observation spotted amid the widespread reaction to Maria Miller's resignation as Culture Secretary. "Looks like she had a private meeting with Malcolm Tucker last night," it read.

Golfing story has power

WITH the US Masters tournament under way it feels appropriate to report Kenny Reid's tale of a customer who went into Uddingston's Clydeway Golf Performance Centre this week and mistakenly asked for a Lithuanian battery for his electric caddy car. Says Kenny: "Lithuanian battery? Sounds like something that belongs at Tynecastle."

Howler of Wall Street

AND finally, you'd have thought everyone would know by now how to spell Alex Salmond's name, especially with the small matter of the referendum on independence on the horizon.

The Wall Street Journal did a webcast interview with The First Minister. Which went off very well, really, apart from a certain caption: Alex Salmon.

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