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To coin a phrase

WE mentioned that the new pound coin will be 12-sided like the old thrupenny bit.

Says a reader: "No doubt it will mean the reinvention of an old joke that was around at the time of the thrupenny bit. It will now be, 'At least you can use a spanner to get a pound coin out of a Scotsman's hand'."

Week daze

A READER says he could sympathise with the young girl on his train into Glasgow yesterday who told her pal: "Nothing ruins your Friday like realising it's only Thursday."

Jailhouse rock

THE HERALD news story that authorities are looking to replace the Victorian Barlinnie Prison in Glasgow takes our memories back to the rooftop protests of the 70s and 80s when it was said the Bar-L provided you with a bed, three meals a day, and a roof under your feet.

The media were very taken at one such protest when a woman marched up with her wean in a pram and shouted up to her man: "You come doon oot a rerr Ronnie!". A tabloid newspaper headline the next day was the jaunty "Come Doon Ron Ron, Come Doon Ron Ron."

Poorly understood

INVENTING words continued. Mina Moffat tells us that when she worked for an Ayrshire council, a young chap tried to write on his sick note that he had taken a virus.

However when he wrote his cause of illness as "atainavirus" the politely-spoken HR personnel were searching for it unsuccessfully in a medical dictionary until a local interpreted it for them.

Rapier wit

ELIZABETH Dickinson reads on the noticeboard for the Gallery Apartments student accommodation in Glasgow's Port Dundas that it is "suitable for duel occupancy", and tells us that she never realised it was that difficult to secure student digs.

Jalouse heart

DATING stories, and Gerry McElroy in Cumbernauld tells us: "A long time ago, we tried out the dancing at the old Highlanders' Institute in Berkeley Street.

One of the boys became smitten and was determined to see the girl home. He returned crestfallen and told us, 'I asked where do you live? When she replied Stornoway, I jaloused she didn't fancy me'."

We may have only used this story as we like to see jaloused in print, and to remind ourselves of the madness of the Highlanders' Institute where strong drink and Strip the Willow were a dangerous combination. Any other tales from there?

Pigging out

PUBLICAN and beer nut Jim Anderson at the Anderson in Fortrose is holding a beer festival next month in which he will be offering a brown ale fermented with grilled pineapple and smoked BBQ pork. "The way I see it," explains Jim, "is that we were given two hands but only one mouth - a cruel joke, if you ask me, for those of us who like our pig and a pint." So, problem solved.

Number cruncher

NATURALLY the Tory cuts to bingo tax have come in for parody (see above). As Bennett Arron put it: "Tory Bingo: Eyes down for a full house. And if it's not a full house there'll be a bedroom tax to pay."

Others suggested new sayings for bingo callers to reflect today's austerity:

Three score and ten, you'll not retire by then.

Bank off-shore? 44.

No time to skive, it's (P)45.

77, let's frack Devon.

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