A SOUTH-Side reader had to phone a financial services company as the form he was filling out online insisted that he put in a mobile phone number - even though he doesn't have one.

When he explained to the helpline person that he threw his mobile phone in the sea the day he retired, there was a pause before the company representative replied: "I wish I could throw my mobile in the sea."

It all ads up

WE'VE mentioned the cruelty of football fans to those teams that have suffered a setback. After the weekend's defeat of title-chasing Liverpool by Chelsea, someone put up the fake advert: "Open-top bus for sale. Contact Anfield Road, Liverpool."

And reader Peter Alexander tells us: "Methinks the manager of the Auctioneers pub in Glasgow might be a Chelsea supporter. With the Blues one-nil up at half time, the sound system blared out Maybe This Time from Cabaret. And having doubled their lead at full time, Walking On Sunshine followed."

Hell for leather

SCOTLAND'S Rural College has issued a press release warning groundsmen, park keepers and golf courses that there are high numbers of leather jackets in Scotland just now. Being from the city, we wondered if it was concerns about not enough golfers sticking to the dress code in their club houses after a round of golf.

But we later learn that leather jackets are the grubs of daddy-longlegs that are eating the roots of grasses and other plants. Silly us.

Posh paws in Paris

A Glasgow reader was on a break in Paris when the kindly waiter at the pavement cafe brought out a bowl of water for a panting dog that a local woman sitting at an outdoor table was carrying. When the waiter disappeared the woman threw the water into a plant pot and refilled it with bottled water she took from her bag.

Not quite hitting the Marx

THE trades unions' May Day celebrations include a cabaret at Oran Mor on Monday that includes the self-styled "Marxist magician" Ian Saville. We recall a previous appearance by Ian, and when we asked what a Marxist magician was, we were told: "Well, whereas David Copperfield is content with little tricks like making the Statue of Liberty disappear, Ian aims at the much more ambitious goal of making international capitalism and exploitation disappear - although he hasn't entirely succeeded yet."

A lot at steak

DEAR oh dear. Reader Derek England tells us: "I was outside Tesco's in Silverburn last night where there was a sign stating, 'Come and see our new Meat Counter!' So we went in, and sure enough, there he was standing in front of the pieces of silverside going 'one, two three, four'."

Ways to leave your lover

THE BBC reported that singer Paul Simon, pictured, and his wife have been arrested and charged with disorderly conduct after a domestic dispute, according to Connecticut police. They have been told to live separately in the meantime. "So make that 51," says a reader, knowledgeable in the back catalogue of Mr Simon.